


The Great Wall

by bornforwar_archivist



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-31
Updated: 2006-12-31
Packaged: 2020-03-13 07:02:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18935827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornforwar_archivist/pseuds/bornforwar_archivist
Summary: By Jade





	The Great Wall

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Delenn, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Born For War](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Born_For_War), which closed in 2015. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in March 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Born For War collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bornforwar).
> 
> [Begin Disclaimers]
> 
> Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and Xena: Warrior Princess belong to MCA/Renaissance. I belong to myself, I think. Do I?  
> Violence/Language: Humanoids and nonhumanoids get smooshed, kicked, obliterated, and insulted in this story. (Insults can be kind of violent, you know.) There is a lot of foul language in this story. Someone has a potty mouth!
> 
> Subtext: Yeah, sure, I'll have some of that!! Just put it on my tab, ok?
> 
> Hettext: Yes. Don't worry, it shocked me, too.
> 
> If the idea of Xena and Ares together grosses you out, I'm sorry. Um, no I'm not. But you should probably skip this story because there's some Xena/Ares stuff going on here.
> 
> Insensitive Jerk Disclaimer: I am one.
> 
> Drugs/Alcohol: There is a lot of drug use in this story; also, a lot of alcohol consumption. [clink] Cheers!
> 
> Insults Hurt/Insults Comfort: This pretty much overrides the hurt/comfort category.
> 
> Sex: Nothing graphic and less than a PG-13 flick. Hmm, still here? Good, continue reading!
> 
> Spoilers: Too many to count. If you don't want to be spoiled skip this.
> 
> Timeline: After "Revelations" on Hercules. After "The Ides of March" on Xena.
> 
> [End Disclaimers]

Mumbling incoherently while under Morpheus' spell, Xena continued having her nightmare, actually wishing that the bard she sometimes called, "friend" would wake her up for once instead of letting her suffer through it. Ever since Gabrielle had taken up Eli's teachings, she let Xena suffer through each and every one of her nightmares. "Serves you right for being so evil" were the bards exact words. A frown appeared on Xena's face. Even in her nightmarish slumber, the thought was enough to piss her off.

Waking up drenched in a cold sweat, the warrior frantically tried to recall the nightmare she just had. Dancing ... dancing, evil dancing, like that jack-ass Istafan had tried to stop. _Should've let that bondage-loving-bastard stop that dancing. The Widow Twankey would've been horrified._ Green clothes, that sometimes turned yellowish in color; the color of corn once eaten and then rejected by its host into a chamber pot.... _Not that I've puked corn after a night of drinking mead with the Gamma boys or anything._ A miasma of color. _What was it called? A rainbow? I'm not an Amazon, nor do I keep up with Sappho's works! What's with the furken Sappho's pride flag showing up in my dreams!?!_ The warrior thought with exasperation. _This has got to be Gabrielle's fault. I told her I didn't want to go to Lesbos. I also told her I didn't want her touching me, 'that way' in the middle of the night. She never listened, and you liked it when she touched you, didn't you Xena?_ She sighed, angry with herself. _Get back to the dream, Xena! The dancing had to be the key! Nope, wait ... That damn Sappho's pride flag again. Wait, there's a pot of ... dinars at the bottom of it? What's that about?_

"Xena, are you okay?" the bard questioned, feeling her friends forehead with the back of her mendhi painted hand.

 _Oh sure, now you want to know if I'm okay. Like it would've killed you to wake me up ..._ Xena smirked in the early morning light. _Bitch, bitch, bitch. I'm sure glad she can't hear my thoughts._

Gabrielle narrowed her eyes and looked into Xena's blue orbs, ignoring the predatory glare her friend tried to use to get her to look away. "You really should be more respectful Xena, some of us psychic peace loving hippies can read minds."

Grabbing her sword and getting up to leave, Xena said, "Godsdamn it, Gabrielle! Can't I have just one thing to myself? My thoughts would be kind of nice, you know? Butt out of them!" And with that the warrior stalked off into the nearby woods to find her beloved horse Argo, who despite feeling neglected, would always love her if she had an apple. Swiping at the tears threatening to fall from her eyes, she squared her shoulders, and searched for her horse. _There's no use being such a crybaby, Xena,_ she told herself. _It really doesn't become you, anyway. If you whine anymore this year you might as well dye your hair and sniff flowers._

A thin light appeared, bright blue through the fog of the morning. _Oh man, Ares again! What's with him?_

"What's with me? What's with me, Xena?" The god of war asked, thoroughly irked. "I'll tell you what's with me, I-I..." Ares took a deep breath, almost sneezing when a mosquito flew into his left nostril. Rubbing his nose inconspicuously, he finished, "I think I love you."

 _He thinks he loves me? Oh that's a new one._ Biting her lip to keep from laughing as she noticed a mosquito that flew up his nose, she answered with a laugh, "I don't think you love me at all. I think you love my leather. And what's with bothering me all the time? I could've been out here taking a dump for all you knew. Then poof, here comes Ares with his unoriginal spiel of love, while all I want is a newsscroll and one of Gabrielle's scrolls to wipe myself with."

_Uh-oh, did I say that out loud?_

"As lovely as that visual image is, my dear, it's not a spiel. It's the truth."

"You've got morning dew on your beard. Sucking on some grass, again? Or did you just drool a lot last night?"

Ares held a hand to his heart. (or where one used to be.) "If I had a heart, you'd be breaking it, Xena! I admire that!"

"Look, if you don't mind, I'd like to bribe my horse with an apple and wonder at the visual meanings of my dreams. Take a hike, stud boy."

Ares scowled. "Fine, but I'll be back."

She waved him off. "Get lost."

 

*********************************

 

Gabrielle sighed thankfully as Xena took off into the forest. Putting away her stash of henbane laced nutbread, she tore off one last huge chunk before closing the bag up, and stuffed it in her mouth. _Gods, this is Elysia. Eli was right, when you feel the urge to go completely psycho, stick a piece of drugged nutbread in your mouth and feel nothing! Wait, was that Eli or Aidan? Oh well, no matter!_ Pouring water on the dwindling fire, she wondered why Xena was acting so weird lately. _Could she be pregnant?_ she laughed at that one. _Since when had Xena been getting any action? She's had more action from my hand on her thigh than she has since that Marcus fellow came back from the dead._ Moving to collect their meager belongings, her thoughts continued on Xena's sexual habits. _Though Ares has been following her around lately. He's like a diaper. He's always full of shit, and always on her ass. Hey, I should write that down, it describes Joxer, too._

Thankfully she was done with her suspicious thoughts, and happened to be sitting contentedly on a log chewing some bitchin' 'shrooms when Xena came back to camp. Argo, who had eaten more than her fair share of "make-up apples," trailed behind her. _Stupid horse. I wonder what Xena would do if I sold her to a glue factory?_

Argo nickered as though she were reading her mind.

_Stupid fucking horse!_

The horse nickered at a louder volume. Stamping her hoof indignantly, Argo almost seemed to say, "Hey! What the hell? You feed me apples but you don't defend my honor? She's thinking some nasty thoughts, Xena!"

Xena, getting bad vibes from her horse, and not having any apples left, told Gabrielle like it was. "Hey, stop projecting your harpy thoughts on my horse, and let's go."

"Whatever you say, Mom."

 

***********************************

 

Not even half-way to their destination it started to rain, soaking them completely within seconds. _Rain water makes my top look horrible! But at least it comes in handy for making money,_ the bard thought to herself, while shaking out her hair all over the shivering warrior princess. Ignoring the look she received from the irritable warrior, she clutched her purse of dinars close to her. _Hmph, she's just mad that the travelers didn't throw dinars at her. That's what she gets for not wearing something see-through._ They stopped to make lunch, but neither of them were very hungry. Gabrielle had practically inhaled all of her nutbread and 'shrooms on the walk, and she could've sworn she saw Xena chewing on something.

"Xena, do you want to just go? I know how much you hate to keep Hercules and Iolaus waiting." Gabrielle shook her hair out again, spraying droplets of water all over Xena.

"Keep the bastards waiting. It's just like Hercules to send me a scroll, make me travel all through Greece in terrible weather conditions, all just so he can hit on me. What a waste of time."

"But, um, didn't the message say it was urgent, end of the world type business?"

"It's code for, 'Let's have sex.' He thinks very highly of himself."

"I hate him." The normally pleasant demeanor the bard usually wore, turned into a hateful snarl with the thought of the "Hero of Mankind" There was something about him that Gabrielle just hated! "At least Iolaus will be there."

"Yep. Let's go, huh?"

"Okay. I'm telling you Xena, you should walk around in your shift and earn us a few more dinars."

"I'm cold!"

"Exactly!"

"Did your parents' know you were like this before you left Potedia?"

"Shut up and keep walking."

"Sure Gabrielle, whatever you want."

 

*******************************

 

An hour later the duo were still walking in the pouring rain.

Ares, being the smart God of War that he was, planned out a way to use the weather to his advantage. Appearing in a puff of smoke, he stood in front of Gabrielle. Holding a nice, shiny gold dinar, he kissed it lightly for good luck, then dropped it down the front of the side-kick's ugly, yellow-colored-see-through sari top. He could feel Xena glaring daggers at him, and thanked Zeus for his godhood. Otherwise, he just might have wet himself with the intensity of the stare.

Gabrielle stuck out her tongue at Xena. "I told you, all it takes is a little rain and they all come flocking to bard-land."

Xena sighed disgustedly. "Put a cloak on, Gabrielle. Please."

 _I can't believe the bastard is staring at you!_ she added in her mind for good measure. _Tells me he loves me, then stares at my best friend? What a quick case of love that was._

The bard did as told, mainly because she had seen Xena look like that before, and did not like the transformation the warrior went through with it. She was like the Incredible Hulkcules (who despite his schizophrenia, was a lot more likable to Gabrielle than Hercules), piss him off a little and a normal guy turns green and goes berserk. _Thankfully she stays her natural luscious, golden hue, even when she is pissed off._

Ares waited patiently until Xena walked up to him. When she was less than two feet away, he held out his hands. Xena tried to hide a grin when she saw what materialized in Ares' hands. A treasure chest full of shiny, gold dinars.

Holding the weight of the treasure chest in one hand, his other hand grabbed Xena's. Putting her hand to his lips, he kissed it gently. "A dinar for a peasant," he said looking pointedly at Gabrielle, while ignoring her words of retaliation. "A treasure for a Queen."

"Pfft!" Gabrielle interrupted. "I'm the only friggen Queen around here, buddy."

Xena shot Gabrielle a look that said, 'Get a load of this guy!'

"She's right you know," she said, removing her hand from his grasp. "She _was_ an Amazon Queen."

"Was and is ..." The God said, looking at Xena seductively, "are two different things."

"Look, I've got to meet up with Hercules and Iolaus by sunset. Do you think you could scram?" she asked him rudely.

"No problem, I'll take you there." He pouted while looking at Gabrielle again. "The both of you, I guess." Eyes still locked with the bard's, he asked, "Who let you out of the pit, anyway?"

 

************************************

 

In a blink of an eye they were in Corinth. Ares had left them there alone, in a dank, smelly tavern called, "Ode To Yer Hooters". Xena sniffed the air, trying not to inhale too much of a bad smell all at once. _He probably did this on purpose. What would ... oh wait, the guys probably are in here,_ her rational mind told her. Hercules and Iolaus. Where would they be? At King Iphicles' castle? _Mmmnn, not likely, Xena._ Off fighting against someone evil? _Once again, doubtful._ In a smelly tavern full of dancing girls? _Bingo!_ And boy could they dance! Well, one couldn't help but stare at it when so proudly displayed, could they? _Hmph! I wonder if I punched Gabrielle if she'd even know I was here?_ The blonde woman's eyes were firmly fastened on two dancing women gyrating on a make-shift stage, made from a rotting table. _Godsdamn thespians!_

It didn't take her long to find the other two blondes she was searching for. She moved close to Hercules and tapped him lightly on the shoulder. Not willing to break eye-to-body contact with the strippers, he simply answered, "No thanks, I've already had two lap-dances. I'm running low on dinars. I'll have to save another village before I can come back here for a while. I swear you girls have wiped me out."

"Reeeeealllllly."

 _Uh-oh._ The big guy realized he had let Xena in on a little too much personal information. _Centaur shit!_ he cursed to himself. _Now she'll never go for it!_

"Aren't you here a little early?" he asked, sparing her a glance. "Where's Gabrielle?"

"Gabrielle's checking out the hooters at table number two. I, on the other hand, am waiting for an explanation as to why I've been messaged with an urgent scroll, and find you and Iolaus in a strip tavern! Are the strippers in dire need of something?"

"Um ... um ..."

 _Well, at least he has the decency to look ashamed. Maybe I should bring up his dead wife and really kick him when he's down. Nah, not even I'm that mean._ Xena dug into her cleavage and grabbed her breast dagger. _Might as well make him real nervous._ Running her thumb along the edge of it, seeming to test the blade for sharpness, she glared at him with her "warlord look."

"Actually, he has a reason," Iolaus butted in after the dancing girls went on break. "And it's not one of those phony, 'Xena sleep with me' messages, either."

"Reeeeeaaaaallllly." If it were possible, Xena's eyes got colder. Hercules and Iolaus could swear they had felt a draft.

Hercules scratched his head, hoping that he hadn't caught lice from one of the more "lowly" visitors of this fantastic tavern. "Xena, I need your help. My mother wants a huge wall-like fortress built around her house. I want this to be the most sturdy wall there has ever been. I am so sick of making walls for her. She's so ungrateful sometimes. Like, I have to save people, you know? I can't always be home slapping stones and guacamole together."

The look in Xena's eyes got positively feral. "You sent an urgent scroll to me so I could come out here and help you build a wall?"

"You and Gabrielle. I," he sighed, "I really appreciate it, Xena. I do."

"Fine, we start tomorrow. Make up plans to finish this thing as fast as we can, because I want out of here."

Realizing that new strippers had made their way on top of another rickety table, she gave up on her speech to them, and went about finding some place to board Argo. _Thankfully Ares remembered to bring her, or I would've been out picking apples for a week when I got back. That Argo knows how to hold a grudge._

 

********************************

 

Nebula confidently walked into, "Ode To Yer Hooters". A place like this was old news for the pirate. _When I get my hands on Curly, he won't have eyes for anyone else. Or at least, he'd better not._

When she found him, he was with Hercules, and what she first thought was a young, under-age cabin boy. _Hey, who can tell when the only picture you get is from the back? Didn't think she'd react so badly though._ Nebula had accidentally asked, "Who let the cabin boy in here?" upon seeing Gabrielle. Iolaus had gulped and moved over. (Seeing as he was the one closest to the "cabin boy.")

"I'll have you know," The very NOT a cabin boy, Gabrielle had started, "That I am a former Amazon Queen, not some pre-pubescent boy that scrubs down a ship."

"Whoa, down killer," Nebula said, trying to ease the tension. "I only got a view from the back." Fortunately for Nebula, "Miz Corinth" was in the middle of swallowing a flaming banana, and all eyes immediately turned back to her so they could see the end result, which consisted of a burped up, extinguished peel.

"Curly," she stated, mildly irked. "Curly." She walked in front of Iolaus, blocking his view. "Curly, are you going to talk to me or what? I never leave the sea, and I did for you. This 'important business' better be important."

Iolaus gulped and tried to distance himself as much as he could from Nebula.

Looking at him with murderous intent, Nebula asked, "What is it?!"

" _Hercneedspeopletohelpbuildhismotherawallsorry,_ " Iolaus blurted out.

"You messaged me off my ship to build a friggen wall?!" Nebula could not believe her bad luck. A week of traveling to build a wall.

"Itisahugewallitisgoingtotakeeveryonetobuildit," Iolaus managed, despite the hand that was now clenched firmly around his throat.

Nebula softened her grip after a moment. "Well now, there should be some interesting things to go along with this. I can always just sit and watch you sweat."

Rubbing his neck after Nebula finally let go, Iolaus managed to reply, "Missed you!"

 

*********************************

 

The day couldn't have gotten any worse for Xena. _Woke up from a nightmare, to a nightmare._ She thought having to bribe Argo to be her horse again had been bad, but the "urgent" message turning out to be Herc needing help to build his mother's wall was the kicker. What had happened to the last wall he had built for his mother? Did they just disappear? _Of course, having found them in a strip tavern was no big surprise, either._ She wondered who else they had messaged to build the stupid thing.

It had taken Xena quite a while to find a place Argo wouldn't whinny at to stay in. Finally, after a half an hour of bartering, she had a sweet deal. Argo was now resting comfortably in a deluxe stall, which was covered in only the best hay. The barn also had an extra bucket of morning oats, and all the carrots she could ever want. Xena found herself echoing Gabrielle's morning thoughts in her head unknowingly. _Stupid fucking horse._

Walking back to "Ode To Yer Hooters" was no small feat. Once again she was drenched from head to foot. Literally punching in the door, she yanked Gabrielle and Iolaus' ears at the same time and threw them out onto the muddy ground outside. Going in for a second trip, she yanked Hercules by his little yellow shirt and did the same to him, not noticing the tall woman behind him.

 _Who the Hades just dared to touch my Curly?_ Nebula thought. Angry at the assailant, she grabbed a heap of mud in her hands and smoothed it into the shape of a ball. Satisfied with the way it felt, she threw it at the dark-haired woman, hitting her squarely in the back of the head.

Hercules, Iolaus and Gabrielle all watched in amazement as Xena's eyes rolled up into the back of her head. She seemed to stand still for a moment, before dropping like dead-weight to the wet, dirty ground.

Nebula wiped her hands on Gabrielle's sari. "No one messes with my Curly," The pirate exclaimed, finally managing to get her hands clean.

"If I was a better friend, I'd defend Xena, but right now I'd like to go back into the tavern," Gabrielle said, walking back into the tavern.

"What do you think, Herc?" Iolaus asked, eyeing Xena's unconscious form.

"I think Xena's going to be more pissed at us when she wakes up, than she was before Nebula knocked her unconscious with a mud ball," Herc said sarcastically, looking at Nebula with a frown. He shrugged. "But, I'm with Gabrielle, let's go back in the tavern. Write her a note Iolaus, and stick it in her breastplate. That way she'll know where to go when she wakes up."

"Why do I have to write the note?"

"Because you're the sidekick."

"Oh yeah." Iolaus stared at Nebula. "Nebula, this is Xena, you know, the warrior princess? Yep, you just knocked her unconscious, and something tells me she won't be very happy with you when she wakes up."

Nebula snorted. "Yeah, that scares me. C'mon, we're missing the smoke blower and the midget!"

"Let's go in. I'll write the letter inside, bring it out, and run back in so I don't miss anything! Come on!" Iolaus said running to the door of the tavern.

The three of them went back inside "Ode To Yer Hooters". A few moments later, Iolaus ran back outside, stuffed a piece of parchment in between Xena's breastplate and her cleavage, then ran back inside. _There's nothing like a smoke blower and a midget,_ he thought with glee.

 

*********************************

 

 _Oh Gods, it's still raining._ Xena cracked open an eye. A raindrop landed in the blue orb, blinding her for a moment. _Why does my head feel like a minotaur got pissed at me while we were playing ping pong and whacked me on it with a paddle?_ Sitting straight up, she opened her eyes wide, and looked at her surroundings. She was sitting in a muddy puddle in front of "Ode To Yer Hooters".

 _Okay Xena, you got Argo a place to stay. Did she kick you? Nope. You went into the tavern, got Iolaus, Hercules and Gabrielle. Did any of them kick you? No. Then what the hell happened to you, Xena?_ she sighed. _I don't know!_ Looking down at her leathers to survey just how much mud she was caked in, she noticed the small piece of parchment sticking out from behind her breastplate. _Someone's going to die later,_ she thought as she unfolded the parchment and began to read.

Xena,

Nebula (my sometimes girlfriend), got a little upset at the way you treated me. She um ... knocked you unconscious with a mud ball. Sorry.

Anyway, none of us wanted to miss the smoke blower and the midget, so we left you out here, confident that you could take care of yourself in a timely manner once you woke up. We're all staying at King Iphicles' castle, even Herc's mom, so it makes you wonder why she's always so damn worried about her house when she's never even there! Anyway, if you want to go and um, get clean, that's where you're going to want to do it. See you there!

Iolaus

 

************************************

 

Xena ignored the two guards manning the front of King Iphicles' castle. The guards, seeing an armed to the teeth warrior walk through their gates, also ignored her. The King didn't hire them to be guards; they were just there for decoration.

It had taken Xena a half an hour to get to King Iphicles' castle. She unfortunately had to make another trip back to the stable and get her saddlebag. Argo, of course, had needed another rubdown and a few carrots. (And many, many apologies for future wrong doings.) But she was finally here!

_The security here is so lax, I almost want to try and assassinate King Iphicles, just to see what happens. Nah, Gabrielle would kill me._

An older woman, with graying blonde hair and too much visible cleavage for her age demographic, met Xena at the main hall. She wore a long, flowing yellow dress, and shooed away visible guards like they were fruit flies hanging around her bananas.

"Hi there. I'm Alcmene, Hercules' mother. Oh yeah, and that Iphicles fellow. He's my son, too. Now, what can I do for you? Are you here to kidnap me?"

"No."

"Cause me some kind of bodily harm?"

"No."

"Kill me because I'm responsible for the death of your kids, like 'The Mother Of All Monsters'?"

 _What in Tartarus is this woman on? No wonder why Herc takes so long to answer questions sometimes. She must've been hitting the henbane like Gabrielle hits innocent trees,_ Xena thought idly, her mind still swimming from her bout of unconsciousness. "Um, no. I'm here to. Uh ... help build your wall."

Alcmene smiled suddenly. The smile was so wide and so huge it was blinding Xena. "Oh you're a nice woman! Come on now, I'll show you to your room. Would you like a bath? Iphicles is taking one now, I'm sure he wouldn't mind the company. Don't ask him to share his rubber ducky though. He starts to kibbie."

 _Oh man! I finally get a bath and I have to take it with the King?_ Debating about whether or not she really cared that she would have to share the tub she finally asked, "Is the water still hot?"

 _Skank! Don't you touch my son!_ Alcmene thought, as she continued to keep her brilliant smile, brilliant. "Scalding!"

"Sure then. I'd love a bath. You wouldn't believe this but--"

"I'm sure it's a great story," Alcmene rudely interrupted, "But I haven't got all day. Let's go get you in the tub."

 

*********************************

 

 _Gods, I'm hungry!_ thought the bard, as a voluptuous stripper stuck her huge, heaving set in her face. Gabrielle was sick of "Ode To Yer Hooters" Mostly, she didn't want to part with her hard earned wet shift dinars.

"Can we go now, Herc?" she pleaded.

"I don't think that's wise," Herc mumbled.

Gabrielle had already asked him three times. She tried to sneak out twice, but the demi-god didn't want her to leave. He said they all had to go or face Xena's wrath alone, and no one in their right mind wanted to do that; however, he had stated that he was quite confident his mother could calm her down by the time they got home. That had been forty minutes ago. Gabrielle was now certain that Xena had drowned in three inches of muddy water, and it would be all her fault! Yet another reason why she wouldn't be able to look into the "light!" She could not allow that to happen.

"Look, I'm going whether or not you are. And I'm going to tell your mother where you are," she threatened.

"You wouldn't dare," Hercules said, almost sarcastically.

"Wouldn't I?"

"I'm with the bard, Handsome. Let's go." Nebula yawned, a little sick of the show herself. It wasn't as if they wouldn't have another chance to come here. This wall mission was going to take quite some time.

"Iolaus?" Herc questioned.

"Yeah, let's go. I'm a little hungry myself," The hunter replied with a grin.

"Fine. You all win," Herc said. Grabbing the last of his dinars from his stash in a small pouch he kept at his waist, he placed them by the nearest strippers feet. "Don't forget, Sensual Shelly, the wall building starts tomorrow. I expect you to be there."

Sensual Shelly giggled, gyrated, and nodded her head. "I'll be there," she answered in a squeaky girlie voice.

 

**********************************

 

Alcmene opened the door to the bath chamber without knocking.

Iphicles' hand paused in mid-lather of his hairy armpit. He noticed the beautiful woman standing beside his mother. _Ooh mom brought me a present!_ the young King thought.

"Iphicles, this is ... um ... this is ..." Alcmene trailed off as she tried to remember the name of the woman she was bringing to her son to bathe with. "What's your name?"

"Xena."

"This is Xena."

Iphicles squinted up at her to get a better view. "Didn't you try to invade Corinth about ten years ago?"

"Um, I might've."

"Oh well, it's old news." He shrugged.

Alcmene interrupted. "Anyway, as you can see, she's as filthy as a peasant child. She's going to take a bath with you. Behave! I'll be back to check on you two." She stood behind Iphicles. Grabbing his ear, she pinched it hard. "Especially you, young man."

"Ouch!"

Alcmene hustled out of the bathing chamber, leaving the King of Corinth and the Warrior Princess alone.

 _Oh what the Tartarus._ Xena took off her armor and leathers, and joined the blushing King in the tub. _He looks a lot like Ares. That could be trouble. He is HOT._

"So what happened to you?" Iphicles asked her.

 _Figures, he wants to talk._ Sinking down into the scorching depths of the tub, she sighed at the wonderful feeling it induced. "I got whacked with a mud ball and knocked me out."

"A mud ball?"

"Yes, and I'd rather not talk about it."

"Okay. So why are you here?"

Xena's eyes, which had been closed in relaxation, sprang open with rage. "I'm here to help your stupid brother build a stupid wall for your mother."

Iphicles took a moment to ponder what he had seen of the warrior princess, which had been everything. _Hmm...young, beautiful, dangerous, sexy. Yep, that bastard did her._ Taking a deep breath, he decided to ask her. "Have you and Herc done it?"

_Oooh, that was good, Iphy. If you're lucky, she won't kill you._

Iphicles didn't even have a chance to take another breath before his head was forced underneath the water. Xena held it there until she was sure he had turned blue and learned his lesson. _It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't done Herc. I'd just like to know how they all know!_

Wheezing, and trying to catch his breath, Iphicles sputtered, "I'm sorry!"

"It's okay. I'm sorry I tried to drown you."

Alcmene came back in a few minutes later. "Iphicles, what happened to your hair, child? You didn't let this wanton strumpet wash it, did you?"

"Hey, I'm no wanton strumpet!" Xena yelled, defending herself against the verbal attack.

Alcmene rolled her eyes. "Please child, Hercules has told everyone in the known world about how he saved you. I happen to know, whoever he saves, he sleeps with."

Xena pouted. "Your son's a whore."

 _Oh no, bad thing to say, Xena!_ Xena wasn't sure she had ever seen a vein on someone's forehead change color and throb like that before. Alcmene was beginning to scare her. Remembering what she had seen Alcmene do to Iphicles before she had left the first time, she covered both of her ears with her hands. It wasn't enough to save them from Alcmene's wrath.

Alcmene pinched her right ear hard enough to leave a bruise.

"Oow," Xena whined, not at all pleased with the situation. She was sitting naked in a bathtub with Hercules' older brother, and being disciplined by his mother by being ear pinched like she had never been ear pinched before. _What a crappy day! And it's not like I can kill her or even defend myself against her. I'd never hear the end of it from Hercules._

"Don't you ever say that about my Hercules! His father's Zeus, King of the Gods!!"

Xena couldn't help herself. "Zeus is a whore!" she yelled, feeling Alcmene's cruel fingers grasping her other ear in a pinch. "Ow!"

Iphicles stood up gloriously naked in the tub, and grabbed a nearby towel. Placing it around his hips, he then began attempting to remove Alcmene's fingers from Xena's ear. "Mother, please! She's company! Your wall, mother! Remember the wall!"

Nothing was working. The woman's fingers were glued to Xena's ears.

A soldier entered the room, not even blinking at the sight before him. He had seen everything, and seeing the King's mother discipline the King and his friends by pinching their ears was nothing new to him.

"What is it?" Alcmene asked, never breaking the hold.

"There's another visitor at the door, Alcmene," The soldier answered her.

"I'll just be a moment, thank you," Alcmene said sweetly. Hating to let go of Xena's ears, but knowing she had to in order to answer the door, she finally let the tortured flesh go.

Xena sank into the tub holding her ears. _Gods, no one has punished me like that since I was six! How does he put up with it?_ she wondered, looking at Iphicles.

"I'll deal with you both later," Alcmene threatened, following the soldier out the door.

Iphicles took the towel back off and sank back into the tub. "What a bitch. I swear, if I didn't fear the Furies wrath..." The King made a chopping motion against his throat, "well, let's just say she wouldn't be pinching anymore ears."

Xena lightly touched her injured ears. "I like you."

 

*********************************

 

Morrigan stood in the main hall, waiting for Hercules' mother. A soldier had gone to retrieve Hercules' mom since the King was otherwise indisposed at the moment.

Alcmene looked at the woman in the main hall. Flaming red hair. Arm gauntlets. Looked permanently pissed off. Yep, another one of her son's, "girlfriends." _Besides, she's much too little to kidnap me or cause me bodily harm,_ her mind reassured her.

"Hello, I'm Alcmene, Hercules' mother."

"Hi there, I'm Muraghan."

"Moron-ghan?" Alcmene questioned.

"Mura-gh-an," Morrigan said slowly.

"Ooh, oh dear. Morrigan! Oh it's nice to finally meet you dear, my son's told me so much about you!"

"Dade he now? And what could Harcules have possiblay have told ya? And what's this argent message I got? I traveled all the way from Eire ta come hare."

Alcmene smiled sweetly, because she knew she was good at it, and it immediately stopped all questions. "You'll have to ask him yourself, Morrigan."

Morrigan threw her hands up in aggravation. "Well, whare es he?"

The sweet smile quivered slightly. "I'm not sure. He told me this morning that he was leaving to save a nearby village with his little friend Iolaus. He should be back in time for dinner. He never misses it. Would you like to take a bath? You're as grungy as an orphan girl."

 

******************************

 

Xena never batted an eyelash as Jason, former King of Corinth, and Hercules' Step-Father, sat down in the tub. Now he was on the left of her, and Iphicles was on the right. It was like being stuck in a King/Former King sandwich. _How is anyone supposed to relax around here?_ she thought, while splashing Iphicles with some water. _I wonder if he's sitting on the soap, like Gabrielle always does?_ Her eyes then moved to Jason, _Or maybe he is. He looks like he could be the soap-sitting type._

She yawned widely, then looked at Jason again. Ears still throbbing, she asked, "Your wife is not going to have a fit that you're taking a bath with us, is she?"

Jason chortled. "No, I do it all the time. Except usually Iphicles isn't in here, right?"

"That's right."

"Yeah, I'm usually with the maids and the servants. Nice women."

"And the prostitutes," Iphicles said with a dramatic sigh.

"Yeah, them too," Jason said, pouring himself a glass of wine.

"I thought you didn't drink," Xena said, narrowing her eyes.

"Pfft!" Jason looked around to make sure Alcmene wasn't nearby. "If you lived with that she-demon day and night, wouldn't you drink, too?" he asked, offering her a cup of wine.

"Point taken," Xena replied, accepting the offered cup from his hand. "Whoever's grabbing my ass is signing their death certificate," she said, looking at both men with death in her eyes. Seeing as they both looked suitably guilty, she couldn't just kill one. It was one or both, and once again it boiled down to the Big Guy being mad at her for taking out his family. _How on earth am I going to explain this to Gabrielle?_

Alcmene opened the door to the bathing chamber and pushed Morrigan in. She noticed Jason, and the vein in her forehead began to throb and change color like it had before. "Jason, I hope you realize you'll be carrying the heaviest rocks tomorrow," she said, her voice like ice.

Jason took another gulp of his wine and smiled nervously. "Of course, dear."

"This is Morrigan. She's another one of Hercules' floozies."

"Herc's a whore," Xena whispered in Iphicles' ear.

Iphicles giggled. Seeing his mother looking at him, vein pulsating in the candle light, he stifled his giggle, and somehow turned it into a cough.

"Morrigan's going to be taking a bath with you all."

"What is this, the Corinth Public Pool?" Iphicles questioned, suddenly getting territorial with his bath water.

"Iphicles, be a good boy and share. You already have been for the past twenty minutes." Alcmene informed him.

Morrigan looked at the three people in the bathtub. "Um, if ya don't mind, Alcmeanie--"

"That's Alcmene," Alcmene interrupted.

"Yes, um, I'll just be teakin a dip in th' river," Morrigan said, hoping to Gods that she didn't do anything to earn her the red and bruising ears that two of the occupants of the tub bore like war scars.

"Whatever. Just get clean, dirty girl."

Morrigan hurriedly left the bathing chamber in search of a nice, freezing river to get clean in. _Harcules better damn well have a good raison for branging me out hare,_ she thought to herself, as she walked out into the rainy streets of Corinth.

The Castle door closed ominously behind her.

She searched the streets of Corinth, looking for someplace that would give her a room and a bath for a short while. She finally ended up at, "Ode To Yer Hooters" which looked like the only respectable place to bathe in the entire city. _Oh well, anything baits a river,_ she thought, strolling into the tavern. _AHHH! A girlie tavern,_ she told herself, as her eyes registered where she was. _Ooh and lookie hare. Harcules and a few of his pals._

Hercules, Nebula, Iolaus and Gabrielle were on their way out of the establishment when Morrigan spotted them.

"Ah, es thas what ya call savin' a wee village, Harcules?" Morrigan asked in her lilting Eire accent.

"Um."

"Well than, what am I hare for?"

"What?" Hercules' mind refused to cooperate.

"Ya sent me a message."

"Oh, right. Yeah, I need your help. My mom wants a huge wall built for her, and well, I messaged everyone I knew. Sorry. Did you meet mom?" Hercules asked her, trying to ignore the sparkle of rage that lit up in Morrigan's eyes.

"Who is that?" Gabrielle asked in a whisper, to Nebula.

"One of Herc's girlfriends." Nebula answered.

"Yeah, I met yer mum. She tried ta make me take a bath wit' a bunch of people I don't know!"

"What? Why would she do that?"

"I guess I'm just as dirty as a little orphan girl." Morrigan grimaced.

"We were on our way home, anyway. I never miss supper. C'mon. I'll get you a bath by yourself. By the way, you remember Iolaus from when he was evil Dahak, right?"

"I remember."

"And Nebula?"

"I remember her, too."

"Okay, well that's Gabrielle. Now let's go home."

 

****************************

 

The moment they walked through the door, they could feel the tension.

Xena, Iphicles, and Jason all sat on the floor in hall before the main hall. The really scary hall. They were soaking wet, and had only a small towel to cover themselves with. Worse yet, they were making puddles on the carpeting.

Hercules tried to speak, but realized he couldn't seem to get the words past his mouth. "Y-you all took a b-bath ... together?"

"I was covered in mud," Xena shot at him angrily.

"I was already in the tub when she came in," Iphicles said, moving to a puddle-less spot on the carpeting.

"And I'm drunk," Jason defended himself, taking a sip of wine from a gourd that just happened to find its way into his hand.

Gabrielle, noticing Xena's and Iphicles' bruised ears, asked, "What the Hades is wrong with your ears?"

"We were punished," Iphicles sputtered. "And we're being punished again. We can't have our clothes!!"

"This is really weird," Nebula said to Iolaus.

"Not really. Alcmene is known for her weird punishments," Iolaus told her.

"Yes, but Iphicles is the King!"

"Mnn hmm. But no one likes to be mean to mother."

Nebula shook her head. "It's still freaky."

Xena stood up, a little disorientated from the bath, the pain in her ears, and the throbbing headache she had. She pointed a finger at Hercules. "This is your fault. Look at what your mother did to my ears."

Herc didn't have to look very far. The bright red and purple bruising surrounding Xena's entire earlobes were evident to anyone who glanced her way. He cleared his throat. "What did you do to upset her?"

"I called you a whore. Whore."

If the name bothered Hercules, he didn't show it. "She did that to you because of that?" he pulled Xena into a wet hug. "I'm sorry."

"No, no." Xena held back a sniffle. "You're not a whore, Herc. You're just a nice guy."

Gabrielle interrupted their hug by pulling Xena away from Hercules. "No one hugs her when she's wet and half-naked, except for me!" she yelled.

"Um, I was hugging her a few minutes before you came in," Iphicles informed the little blonde-haired stranger.

"Is that true?" Gabrielle asked Xena.

"I was cold."

Iphicles shivered violently. "All right look, this is my castle. My home. We're going to find us some clothes, and we're going to have dinner. Despite what my mother says."

"Thank the Gods, you do have a backbone," Xena said, more to herself than to anyone else.

A knock on the door startled them out of their discussion.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" Iphicles asked a nearby guard.

The guard shrugged his shoulders. "No."

"What do I pay you for then?"

"I don't know, but I'm getting paid good for it," The guard answered with a smug smile.

Iphicles made a familiar chopping gesture at his throat in the general direction of the guard, and opened the door. "What?"

The God of War stood leaning against a sleeping guard. "Can Xena come out and play?" he asked, his voice tinged with sarcasm.

Iphicles answered with what his mother would have said. "It's raining. Xena can't play in the rain."

"I can too play!" she said, standing beside Iphicles.

Hercules pushed them both behind him. "She's grounded."

Ares pursed his lips. "She doesn't look grounded. She looks good."

Xena tucked loose strands of wet hair behind her ear. "Could you get me some clothes? Hercules' mother is being a huge bitch."

"Hey!" Hercules said, upset that Xena would call his mother that.

Iphicles shook his head. "Don't bother defending Herc. It's so true!"

"I suppose I could do that. It's going to cost you though." Ares grinned lecherously, fingering a ringlet of his long, dark hair.

"With what?" Xena asked, wishing only to be warm again.

"I could think of a few things," Nebula said, adding her two dinars into the conversation.

"Xena, you don't want to owe him for a favor!" Gabrielle whined pitifully. "Remember what he did to me? He got me first class tickets to Ch'in but I had to jump into a hole of molten lava! It wasn't worth the fortune cookies, Xena!"

"Hey!" Ares scowled. "I didn't tell you to eat those. It's not my fault you got one that said, 'Bad Luck. Jump Into Scorching Chasm' you know?"

"Just come in," Hercules mumbled to the God of War. "And don't track any mud. If the carpet gets any wetter none of us will be able to have any dinner tonight."

Ares strolled into the hall. Stopping in front of Xena he asked, "So, do you want clothes or not?"

"What do I have to do?" she questioned, rolling her eyes.

"Lunch, with me. Tomorrow."

"Fine, fine. Just get us clothes!"

Ares scowled again, this time at her tone of voice. "I think," he said, looking her up and down, "that I might have something left over from your warlord days in the Halls of War." He waved his hand over her. The towel disappeared. In its place was Xena's old chainmail outfit, complete with her chainmail hat.

Xena sighed as she looked down at the outfit. "You kept the clothes I wore while fighting the Centaurs?"

"What can I say?" Ares shrugged. "I've always liked the," he arched his left eyebrow, "bad girl look."

"I'm sure. Now, Iphicles and Jason."

Ares waved his hand over the King of Corinth, and the former King of Corinth. They were instantly clothed in a warm pair of pants and a long-sleeved shirt.

"Well Xena, I'm leaving now. I have a torture Meet N' Greet with an old warlord friend of mine and his army. Don't forget our lunch date tomorrow."

Ignoring the daggers Gabrielle was shooting her way, Xena answered him with a slight smile, "Oh, I won't."

The God of War shot an evil glare at his half-brother Hercules, then left King Iphicles' castle in a flash of white light.

"How did you all get clothes?!" Alcmene screamed from across the hall, hefting Zeus' belt over her shoulder. "I said you would all get a taste of Zeus' belt, and I meant it! Now drop your pants and get in line."

Hercules waited until his mother stood beside him, then he placed a soothing hand on her shoulder. "Mother, please, is punishment really necessary?"

"No," she readily agreed. "But I thought I'd hand it out, anyway. Especially to _her_."

"Please mother, I just got home. Let's discuss it over dinner, huh? With all of us?"

Alcmene felt her heart swell. Her son Hercules, he just radiated goodness! Who could say no to him? "Of course, son. Over dinner." They hugged briefly. "So, did you bring me any presents this time? A quarter of an apple, maybe?" Alcmene asked eagerly.

"I sure did!" Hercules replied, handing her a tomato.

"Oooh. A tomato! Hercules! You shouldn't have!" Alcmene blushed. "You're such a good boy."

 

*******************************

 

 _Dinner is worse than having my ears pinched,_ Xena thought, drinking her wine a lot faster then she probably should have. _At least then I was sitting in a tub with a naked Iphicles._

Gabrielle had refused to even look Xena's way when they sat down; she chose to sit next to Nebula instead of Xena. And she hadn't even offered Xena any of her 'shrooms, like she normally did before dinner. _I'm so hurt. Those 'shrooms are everything to me, and she knows it._

Alcmene handed Xena a bowl of gruel and an apple.

"That's it?" Xena questioned hesitantly. "My godsdamn horse eats better than this!"

Iphicles shot her a warning look.

The next thing the warrior princess knew was that her hand hurt. Alcmene had hit her with a wooden spoon. "Eat it all or no dessert." Alcmene said in a voice that was sugary sweet. It would've made Xena sick, except she hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, and right now even gruel looked good to her.

Iphicles and Jason also got gruel and an apple. The three of them were forced to watch as the rest of the group were fed quail and Macedonian boar, complete with all the vegetables they could possibly want.

"Hercules," Alcmene said, spooning half a bowl of corn into Hercules' plate, "You never did introduce the rest of your friends. I already know Iolaus, of course. Who are the women? They're clean," Alcmene glared at Xena and Morrigan, "unlike some of your other friends."

Morrigan decided she had about all she could manage of Alcmene's attitude. "Thas fraygan dinner sucks. I've aten better wit' pigs in their sty."

Xena snickered.

Two wooden spoons were produced. Two hands were simultaneously smacked.

"Please don't speak to mother like that," Hercules mumbled, while demolishing the corn in his plate.

"May I be excused?" Xena asked, knowing if she asked any other way she would probably get smacked again.

"Yes, of course, Xena," Alcmene dismissed her. "Iphicles!" she yelled, her voice grating on everyone's ears. "Show Xena to her room."

"Yes, mother."

"Now."

"Yes, mother."

"Don't 'Yes mother' me, mister! Get up and do it!"

Iphicles cringed. "Yes, mother."

 

*********************************

 

"Do you normally take that abuse from your mother?" Xena asked Iphicles, as he walked her to the room she would be staying in.

"I have to."

"Why? You're a King."

"And you're a warrior princess. Did you stop her?"

"No. I ... well I guess I understand why you don't stop her. It's just, you're the King for Gaea's sake!"

"I know."

It was said so forlornly that Xena almost stopped in mid stride to hug him.

"Well," Iphicles stopped walking, "this is where you'll be staying. Your room is right beside mine, so if you need anything, you know where to find me. Don't bother getting a guard. As you may have noticed, they're good for nothing."

"I did notice."

"Are you really going to have lunch with Ares tomorrow?"

"He did give us all clothes. We would've been served on ice at dinner if he hadn't."

"True. It was a nice thing for the God of War to do for us."

"He can be nice when he wants." She narrowed her eyes. "But mostly he's just bad, bad, bad."

Xena took a moment to look around the room. It was beautiful. The blankets were a jade color, in fine Ch'in silk; they matched the carpeting and the curtains perfectly. A large bay window let the evening breeze flow through the room. She found it curiously relaxing.

Iphicles coughed, letting her know she had "wandered off" again. "Gabrielle will be in the room connected to yours. If you both decide to talk again."

"Thank you."

"No, no. Thank you. And thanks for staying to help in the construction of my overbearing mother's wall. I appreciate it."

"No problem."

He stood there, just staring at her, until she finally said, "If you don't leave your mother is going to pinch your ears so hard you'll be crying for three days straight."

"You're right. Hope to see you tomorrow, Warrior Princess."

"You too, Iphy baby. You give good bath."

 

***********************************

 

Xena was sleeping peacefully for the first time in two weeks, when Gabrielle stormed into her room like a raging banshee. _Xeeeenah, I'm your friend, I love you! Let this banshee yell at you! You are the choooosen one, Xeeeenah._

Gabrielle had a pillow in her hands. Taking aim, she threw it with such force at Xena's head it would have probably decapitated a normal human being. "I can't believe you!" she said, pacing around the room in anger.

 _Oh, gods, I just want to sleep! Why can't she leave me alone?_ Xena grabbed the pillow out of the air before it hit, and waited for Gabrielle to continue ranting.

"Of all the low things you could possibly do! I thought that little, 'Borias and The Hestian Temple' story took the cake, but this is truly disgusting. A bath with the former King and present King of Corinth, Xena?"

"I um ... " Xena wiped at some crud in the corner of her eye before continuing, "What are you talking about? You were off at a strip-tavern with Hercules, Iolaus and Nebula all day! You watched me get knocked out by a mud ball, and then went back in! How's that for friendship?" She pointed an accusing finger at Gabrielle. "For all you know, I could've drowned in that three inch puddle."

Gabrielle thought a moment before answering. "Oh yeah? My 'shrooms? You aren't getting any again. Ever!" And with that the bard went back into her room, and slammed the door.

Xena snorted. _Who does she think picks them?_ The hairs on her arms suddenly stood at attention like little soldiers who hadn't realized their sergeant was in the room until it was too late. She looked around the room, but saw nothing. "What do you want, Ares? Did the Meet N' Greet end already?"

He appeared beside her on the bed. Rolling his eyes, he said, "Those things get boring so fast. If you've seen one torture session you have pretty much seen them all."

"Get off of my bed," she said in a low growl.

"But don't you," he paused as a succulent roasted chicken leg appeared in his hand, "want to eat some delicious chicken?"

Her stomach growled, announcing that it was hungry. _He knows my weakness. I must kill him now. Where's that damn Hinds blood dagger?_

"Now Xena," he waved the chicken leg under her nose, letting the aroma of honey and spices waft up her nose, "I know you're hungry. Your stomach just told me. Eat Xena. Go ahead."

"No."

"Xena, gruel and an apple hardly make a meal, and you left before you even had a spoonful."

"I wasn't ..." her stomach growled again, "hungry."

An entire roasted chicken appeared on a platter on the middle of her bed. A cup of mead levitated in the air; it seemed to call to her.

_Xena, eat me._

Eat me, Xena. I'm delicious.

I taste so good.

Bwack.

_Sink your teeth into me, tear off my flesh and devour me whole, Xena!_

"All right, that is enough! I will eat your food, but at what cost?" she asked dramatically.

"Same old lunch tomorrow Xena." Ares pouted. "I just wanted you to feel good before you went to sleep. I'm not an ogre, you know."

"Could've fooled me," she said, biting into the juicy chicken leg.

 

*******************************

 

Morrigan followed Alcmene down a hallway, keeping her eyes peeled for a glimpse of the evil wooden spoon. _He let his mum bait me wit' a spoon. What kind of boyfriend es that?_

"Here you are, Morrigan. This is your room," Alcmene told her, pointing at a broom closet.

"Et says, 'servants closet, not fit for sleighpin!' on th' door!" Morrigan pointed out the sign on the door.

"Servants put that there. Gods know they don't know what they're talking about. Go, there's a cot there, get to sleep. I wish I could've gotten Xena's room for her. I'm sure she's got a nice one." Alcmene scowled. "I would've liked to have had her sleep in the servants closet, but whatever."

Morrigan stepped out of the closet. "I'm not sleighpin in thar. I'd rather sleighpe wit' th' pigs."

Alcmene shrugged. "Have it your way. You can get to the pens by going through the kitchen. See you in the morning." She walked off, leaving Morrigan alone to debate whether or not she wanted to actually sleep with the pigs.

Morrigan pulled the cot out into the hall, and grabbed the blanket. _So what if I'm sleighpin in th' hall? At least et won't be in th' closet!_

 

*********************************

 

 _Xena. Xena. Xena. I do not like that woman._ Alcmene thought while she walked to Iphicles room to say goodnight. She paused when she heard a moan from the room before his. "He had better not be," she said under her breath. _I'll pinch his ears with a live crab if I have to._ She heard the moan again. It was louder this time, with more feeling. _Lobsters work equally as well for extreme ear pinching._

A soft, "Oh Gods..." could be heard throughout the hall.

Alcmene couldn't take it anymore, she kicked the door open with all the old woman muster she had. She expected debauchery or some kind scandalous behavior, but all she saw was Xena laying on her bed, taking a huge bite out of a plump chicken leg.

"Oh Gods, Ares, this is delicious," Xena moaned. She looked up, but didn't stop taking a bite of the chicken leg when Alcmene kicked in the door.

Alcmene blushed. "Oh, sorry. I thought you were fornicating with my son. I'll have Hercules fix the door tomorrow." Narrowing her eyes suspiciously, she asked, "Where did you get the food? Do things just appear near you?"

Xena finished chomping on the dead and cooked chicken, and grimaced. "I have a God friend. One that isn't as big of a whore as Zeus is, but he still gets around." She glanced at Ares, knowing Alcmene couldn't see him.

Alcmene's vein pulsated once, before erupting and turning purple. She gave no warning, she just tackled Xena, full-contact.

As Alcmene's fingers clamped down on Xena's ears, Xena wildly grabbed at Ares.

"Get her off of me!"

"Another favor," Ares warned her.

"Whatever, just put her to sleep!"

Ares lightly touched Alcmene on her forehead, putting her into a deep sleep. "Where do you want her?" he asked Xena.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, tell me where you want her to sleep for the night, and she'll be there."

"Oooh." Xena's thought about it. The ear pincher deserved to be punished herself. "Put her in the servants closet."

Ares nodded his head, and Alcmene was gone.

"Gods, that woman has strength," Xena said with a sigh.

 

**********************************

 

Hercules stopped in front of what should have been Xena's door, but was now an open space; the door was on the marble floor, splinters all around it. Noticing Xena's bright red ears, and knowing the brightness for what it was (a recent ear pinching by mother), he asked, "Have you seen my mother? She usually comes in to say goodnight to me around this time."

Xena, eating a bowl of chocolate pudding, stared at him for a moment before answering, "Haven't seen her, Big Guy. Maybe you should ask Iphicles."

Hercules took a better look around Xena's room. The pudding, the chicken bones, it all smelled of Ares. "Ares is here, isn't he?" The moment the words came out of his mouth the God showed himself to him.

"So what if I am?" he asked twirling his fingers through Xena's hair.

"No twirling until I'm done eating," she said, angry that he would dare to bother her while she was stuffing her face. He sighed, but stopped twirling.

"I don't think you should be in here. Mother would have a fit if she knew Xena had a man in here," Hercules said, trying to steal a goblet of pudding by placing it under his shirt. Xena stealthily came to the rescue of the pilfered pudding. She put it back on the small table beside her to be consumed later.

"Spare me, Hercules. Iolaus and Nebula are sleeping together," Xena defended herself. "Ares is just feeding me, and then he's going to the Halls of War to visit his little skank Discord because I won't put out."

"Am not," Ares interrupted.

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"This could get exhaustive," Ares said, scratching at his goatee.

"How did you know Iolaus and Nebula are sleeping together?" Hercules questioned her.

Xena rolled her eyes. "Oh please." Imitating Iolaus she said, "Hey baby, I'm a map. Don't you want to hunt down the hidden treasure?"

Ares took up where she left off as Nebula. "No thank you. If X marks the spot, someone needs to mark it bigger. I can barely see it."

Hercules grimaced. "Gotcha. Um, I'll ask someone else. Maybe Gabrielle knows."

Xena spooned more pudding into her mouth. "Why don't you go ask her? She's in a fantastic mood."

 

*********************************

 

Hercules knocked on Gabrielle's door cautiously. The last thing he needed to do was anger the volatile little bard.

"What?!" she asked, not opening the door.

"Um, I was wondering if you happened to know where my mother is?" he asked, leaning his ear against the door to hear her better. The door creaked open. He steadied himself so he didn't fall into Gabrielle's room.

Gabrielle was standing in the middle of the room, a pillow in her hand. Faster than any mortal eye could see, she threw the pillow at his head and slammed the door shut.

"What did I do to deserve that?" he asked, truly wondering what he could've possibly done to have pissed her off.

"You were born."

Hercules huffed and puffed outside the closed door. No one treated him badly! He was a hero! He was the son of Zeus! _The good for nothing dead beat asshole that he is._ He huffed again. _Well, onto Nebula and Iolaus then. I won't stop until I find mother!_

Stopping outside of Nebula and Iolaus' door, he placed his ear against it.

"Oh Iolaus baby, be my cabin boy! Swab that deck or I'll throw you overboard!" Nebula said, unaware that someone was listening.

"I'm swabbing as much as I can, Captain! I can't swab anymore. The deck is _clean_." Iolaus answered with a groan.

Irritated, Nebula said, "The deck will be clean when _I_ say it's clean. Do you really want to spend an hour with Big Bald Bob?"

"No Nebbie, Big Bald Bob scares the Tartarus out of me! I'll keep swabbing!"

"That's a good cabin boy."

 _They can't possibly know where mother is._ Hercules raised an eyebrow. _Though it couldn't hurt to continue listening and find out._ The eyebrow lowered. _No, I'd better find mother. She might be kidnapped or something._

He continued his journey, and stopped in front of Iphicles' door; he knocked loudly.

Iphicles snored, not hearing the knock.

Hercules opened the door and crept into the room. Placing his finger in his mouth, he drenched it thoroughly with spit before placing it in Iphicles' ear.

The King bolted upright in bed with a girlie scream. "Who gave me the wet willius? Who?"

Hercules laughed, then remembered why he was there. "I can't find mother."

"So you come into my room and give me a wet willius?!" Iphicles said loudly. "I was having the best dream and you woke me for this! Xena was moaning so deliciously in it, too." The surly King looked at his younger brother waiting for an explanation. "Okay, mother's missing, what now?"

"I don't know. I just can't find her. I thought maybe you would get up and help me look for her."

Iphicles held his hands up to his ears. "You see all the abuse my ears go through everyday, then you give them more abuse, and you expect me to help you?" He snorted. "If we're lucky the old dingbat is dead." Having said his piece, King Iphicles pulled his royal blankets over his head and muttered, "Now get out, before I call my guards, who will do nothing and get paid for it."

Hercules watched his brother create a cocoon from his blankets, then walked out of the room and closed the door behind him. _He's just mad because his father's not Zeus. Loser._ He was just about to give up until he saw a small sign mounted on the wall with an arrow on it. The sign said, "Worthless Servants--Supplies this way. C'mon, get moving, what do you think we pay you for?" A few more signs and he found Morrigan curled up on a cot outside of the servants supply closet.

He shook her gently to wake her up. "Morrigan." She didn't respond to his voice. "Muraghan," He said, trying to trick her into waking up. It worked.

"What do ya want, Harcules?"

"I'm looking for my mother, do you know where she is?"

"Th' last time I saw yer mum was while she was tryin' to stuff me in th' supply closet. Told me ta sleighpe wit' th' pigs, she did!"

"Sorry about that. Well, I did my part in looking. Why don't you get off this uncomfortable cot and come and sleep in my bed?" _Ooohoooohoooohpleasesleepinmybed._

Morrigan groggily sat up, staring Hercules in the eye and making him breathe bad almost-morning breath, she said, "As I told yer mum, I'd rather sleighpe wit' th' pigs. Much batter company, those pigs."

 _Shit, shit, triple shit._ "Okay. Can't blame me for trying. See you in the morning."

Hercules turned to walk back down the hallway, opposite the helpful little arrows. She flipped him off behind his back and said, "Oh yeah, most definitely. On th' 'morrow!" She let her head fall back on a tiny blanket she was using as a pillow, and fell back asleep.

 

*******************************

 

" **COCKADOODLEDOO!!!!** "

Xena held a pillow over her head hoping to block out the sound.

" **COCKADOODLEDOO!!!! COCKADOODLEDOO! COCKADOODLEDOO!** "

It was loud, persistent, and very annoying.

"Gabrielle, shut up!" Xena said, not masking her tone in any way. After dinner last night Ares had fed her mead like it came off of a mead tree. His intent had most probably been to get her to sleep with him. She had passed out with her head on his chest after telling him how much his sideburns turned her on. She felt herself blush as she remembered that particular moment with vivid clarity.

" **COCKADOODLEDOO**!!!!"

" **SHUT UP GABRIELLE!** " Hercules yelled from his room.

" **COCKADOODLEFUCKYOU**."

 _Oooh gods, Gabrielle's doped up already. How does she get up early enough to get stoned before we're even awake?_ Xena wondered. Pulling herself out of her nice warm bed and feeling her head spin, she quickly ran to the chamber pot to reject some of her food from last night. _Hmm, the pudding still looks good the second time around._

Xena spared a glance to her broken door on the floor. _Hercules' problem._ She stopped thinking to puke again. When she was done she heard Hercules' condescending tone from where her door used to be.

"That's what you get for hanging out with the G.O.W."

"Herc," she took a deep breath, "if I had a door right now, I'd slam it in your face." If he took that the wrong way, she didn't know.

" **COCKADOODLEDOO!!!! BWACK, BWACK**!!"

Xena held her hands to her head, then used the pillow again. "She never shuts up."

"Time for breakfast, Xena. If you think you can keep it down," Hercules said caustically.

"I'll be there in a few minutes, I'm just going to put on my chainmail."

"Are you going to fight Jason in a duel over orange juice and raw eggs?"

Xena merely glared at him. _I will get that orange juice. I will get it or Jason will be very sorry._

Hercules continued down the hallway. He woke up Nebula and Iolaus with no problems. Even Iphicles woke up right away. The four of them were watching Morrigan sleep when Gabrielle ran down the hall and COCKADOODLEDOO'D in her ear.

Morrigan jumped halfway off of the cot and held a dagger in each hand. With her eyes barely opened she asked, "Which one of ya es th' wee leprechaun that's houndin' me?!" Her eyes opened all the way and registered the fact that it was just Gabrielle and not an evil groping leprechaun like she had feared. "Ya shouldn't be wakin' people lake that!"

**Boom. Boom. Boom.**

"What was that?" Iolaus wondered.

"Whatever it was **BWACK** , it came from the servants closet," Gabrielle said.

Hercules opened the door to the servants closet and saw his mother. She was wrapped up in a bearskin straight jacket, with her hands tied behind her back. "Mother! What happened to you?" he asked, removing an old sock that belonged to Iphicles from her mouth.

"Oh, it was horrible!" she cried. "That evil woman Xena, she put me here!"

"Okay mother. I'm sorry she did that to you. Let's go eat breakfast."

"That's it?" Alcmene asked Hercules, her eyes brimming with tears. "That's all you're going to do? Can't you kill her or something?"

"Mother, that would be mean. You slept well, right?" he asked, untying her hands from the back.

Alcmene shrugged; she had slept very well for where she had spent the night. "Yes."

"Well then, she did you a favor. Please, breakfast? I'm starving!"

"Anything for you Hercie-bear."

"Where's Jason?" Iphicles asked, really wanting to know where his step-father was. Usually when the two of them were together his mother would go for Jason first in an ear pinching incident.

"I'm sure Xena would love to find him before she eats," Gabrielle said, holding Alcmene's hand in comfort.

"Well lets hope so or she won't eat," Alcmene said with glee.

 

******************************

 

The clatter of wooden and tin kitchen utensils were making a vein in Xena's forehead throb; one she had never had until she stepped into King Iphicles' castle. After finding Jason passed out in the tub with a seamstress and getting him dressed and to the kitchen table, she was finally being allowed to eat. Her appetite was not so good. She barely managed to keep down an egg and a glass of goatsmilk. Apparently, they were all out of orange juice. Alcmene had told both herself and Jason that with an evil glare, while pushing cups of goatsmilk at them.

"How soon do you think my wall will be done, Hercules?" Alcmene inquired.

"About two weeks, maybe three."

That elicited a few scattered groans of dread.

"Well hurry up and eat your breakfast, idiots. I want that wall done in a week!" Alcmene ordered her table of helpers.

They had finished breakfast quickly, none of them wanted to earn Alcmene's five finger punishment Xena now called, "The crusher." And now they were trudging downhill to Alcmene's house to start on the wall. A giant can of guacamole had been given to each of them, along with a thin piece of metal that would be used to smooth the pasty stuff out before stacking the rocks on one another. Xena was tired and they hadn't even started building the thing yet.

Nebula wiped at the sweat that was starting to pour down her forehead. "This really blows, big time," she said to Gabrielle.

"Tell me about it," Gabrielle said, wiping some sweat droplets of her own. "I detest him, which makes me wonder why I'm still even here!"

"You want Xena," Iolaus accused her. "You're here to see her sweat, and to get a few more pounds of henbane that Salmoneus promised you."

Gabrielle stuck her piece of metal into her can. "Maybe. Who told you? Is Sal your contact, too?"

"No, I just guessed. Gods, you are such a henbane-head, Gab."

Gabrielle popped another 'shroom into her mouth. "Whatever. Say, did you ever get the deck swabbed?"

Iolaus turned red, and ran behind Hercules so he no longer had to walk next to Gabrielle.

Xena dropped her bucket none-to-gently to the ground. The clang that came with it was more than satisfying. She stared at the pile of square rocks in front of her. _How did he get such square rocks? Were these pre-cut?_ Nebula was assigned to work with her. Neither woman was very happy with the arrangement, and both walked around their assigned work area huffing and puffing with pride. A lot of Xena's huffing and puffing had to do more with anger than with pride. She still wasn't over the mud ball incident.

Xena continually slapped guacamole on the rocks, and ignored Nebula. It was getting on the pirate's nerves. _She may be the warrior princess, but she doesn't scare me._ Nebula thought, smacking her guacamole with equal force onto a rock.

Xena looked at Nebula with anger when she stepped into her "personal space."

"You're in my personal space," Xena said quietly.

"What?" Nebula asked, totally lost.

Xena drew imaginary lines around herself. "In order to have a happy Xena, we must have a Xena with a lot of personal space. Do not cross the imaginary lines."

"Have you been hitting the mead again?"

Xena didn't answer, choosing instead to continue coating her rock in silence. When Nebula's attention went back to her work, Xena dipped her hands into her guacamole pail. Holding a nice glob of the pasty substance, she created a nice, smooth ball from it and threw it at the back of Nebula's head. She watched with a satisfied smirk as the pirate fell backwards to the ground.

Dragging Nebula under a shady tree, she left her there, glad to have had her revenge, even if no one else saw it. _No one hits me with a mud ball and gets away with it._

Hercules set a new pail of the pasty, yet edible stuff on the ground next to Xena's first pail. Glancing at Nebula, who looked to be snoozing under a tree, he asked, "What's with her?"

"Oh she's indisposed at the moment. She should wake up in about a half an hour."

He looked Xena in the eye and glared at her. "Please tell me you didn't."

Trying her best to maintain her innocent look she asked, "Didn't what?"

"You didn't knock her out with the wall building paste, did you?"

"No, she's just really tired. She was up all night with Iolaus, you know."

"Yeah, we all know."

"She's just taking a breather," Xena assured him again.

"Good. I'll be back in a little while. I'm still expecting more helpers."

Xena grabbed him by the throat. "Who? Who else did you invite?"

Peeling her hands off of his throat, he answered, "You'll see."

With those words Hercules continued on his journey through the littered rocks, replenishing much needed supplies of pasty guacamole.

 

*********************************

 

Cyrene waved the wagon driver off. _Friggen three dinar tip, it shouldn't have been such a bumpy ride._ She walked to the front of the castle, and stared at a guard.

"Where's Hercules?" she asked.

Lexus, one of the guards of King Iphicles' castle, shrugged. "Building a wall, south of here. Got a bunch of people with him. Rocks everywhere."

"Thank you."

"No problem." He watched as the woman began walking south. He turned to look at his fellow guard, and friend, Mercedes. "That was the most work I had to do all day. I should get paid extra for that."

Mercedes laughed. "No kidding! The other day I had to get King Iphicles a cup of wine. I mean, what was that about? Do I get paid to be a servant? No!"

"What do we get paid for?"

"Beats me."

Cyrene stumbled down the hill, stopping once or twice along the way to make sure her dress was tattered enough on its sleeves. _Tatters are so in right now. I wish Xena would wear normal dresses so she could tatter the sleeves like the rest of us normal people._

She spotted Hercules right away from his description in her message. _Tall, good looking, future candidate for my daughter's marriage. Yes, that has to be him._ She winked at him when she got into winking range. "Hi, I'm Xena's mother, Cyrene."

He hugged her briefly, making her blush. "Hi Cyrene. Xena's over there," he said pointing at the warrior woman, who was too busy giving her "look" to an inanimate rock to notice anyone staring at her. "And this is my mother, Alcmene." Hercules introduced the two women to one another.

Cyrene looked at Alcmene. _What a low-life! No tatters on her dress sleeves! Where was she born, Potedia?_ Cyrene noticed Alcmene had a helmet on her head, and was giving out orders like there was no tomorrow.

Looking up from her itinerary that she had scrawled out on an old piece of chamber pot papyrus, Alcmene studied the woman standing across from her. "And who is this?" she asked her son. _Who is this ... low-life who looks like she was born in the bowels of Potedia?_

"This is Xena's mother, Cyrene," Hercules said.

"Ooh, you mean the skank over there ogling the rock and doing nothing. You actually spewed that thing out of you?"

Cyrene dug into her purse and whipped out her trusty ax. Waving it around Hercules and pointing it at Alcmene, she asked, "Yeah, I did spew that thing out of me. You got a problem with it?"

The holier than thou look that Alcmene had been sporting vanished in an instant. "No, no problems here. I meant that darling young lady."

Cyrene pointed the ax at Alcmene one final time before she put it back in her purse. "Good. I hate problems. They're so much work. You have to chop them up, find some place to hide them, and lie about them for years on end." She laughed insanely. "And who wants to spend that much time on a problem? No one!"

Xena looked up as she heard a familiar psychotic laugh. _Oh shit! Mom's here!_ She wiped her hands on her pants, adjusted her chainmail, and prepared to meet her maker.

Cyrene looked her daughter up and down, noticing everything about her. Her pasty white pallor, the dark circles under her eyes, and the bruises on her ears. "Who did this?" No one answered her. "Who did this to my daughter? Who abused my baby by pinching her ears?! Only I do that!" She engulfed Xena in a bear hug so tight, she nearly suffocated her. "How are you, little one?"

"Mother, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at home running the inn?" Xena asked.

"Toris is there, dear. I trust him to screw up completely. I just couldn't resist the chance to meet so many famous people. I feel like I'm in Athenswood."

"Hercules sent you a scroll to come and help him?"

"Yes, dear. He's a cutie." Cyrene pulled Xena's ear close to her mouth. "I would've done him too, Hon," she whispered.

Xena blushed. "Mother."

"No, don't be embarrassed. I heard it from a bard. I don't remember which one, but still. Where's Gabrielle?"

"I don't know."

Iphicles walked by Xena and smacked her on the ass. "What's up, Xe?"

Xena blushed again, something she wasn't used to doing. "King Iphicles, meet my mom, Cyrene."

Cyrene grabbed Iphicles by the ear. "Don't you touch my daughter inappropriately ever again until you put a wedding bracelet on her wrist, do you hear me, mister?"

"Yes!" Iphicles squealed, not expecting the attack from someone else's mother.

"Yes what?"

"Yes, Cyrene. I understand!"

"Good."

Alcmene, seeing what was happening to her son, rushed over to grab Xena's ear in a vice like grip. "Don't put your ass in my son's hand ever again, do you hear me?!" Alcmene screeched.

"Yes!"

Cyrene stared at Alcmene, while still having a firm grasp on Iphicles' ear. She pinched harder. "I don't care if you're a King, you don't go around smacking people hello on the ass!"

"Yes ma'am," Iphicles said pathetically.

The two mothers' glared at each other with anger. At the same moment they let go of the ears they were holding and went for each other's ears.

Hercules thankfully butted into the fight, and held each women's hand in his own. Lightly he kissed Cyrene's. Then he kissed Alcmene's. "Ladies, please. No need for violence on a day like today."

Xena, held her injured ear in her hand, trying not to cry. Iphicles looked to be in the same state as she was. Nebula was still blissfully passed out under the tree.

_No need for violence indeed._

"I'm sorry," Alcmene said sweetly to Cyrene.

"No, I am. I shouldn't have grabbed your son's ear."

"Yes, I shouldn't have grabbed your daughter's ear either. Want to go sit in the shade, and watch the children work with me?"

"Sure, that sounds great," Cyrene said. She hugged Xena briefly and pinched her cheek. Walking toward the shade with Alcmene, she gave Xena some motherly advice. "Keep your nose clean and your ass untouched!"

 

******************************

 

Gabrielle sat in the shade, hands up, fingers pinching thin air, doing what she was best at--nothing. She had been sitting there for two hours, doing nothing. She was so into doing nothing that she never noticed when Eli sat down across from her. For forty-five minutes they sat across from each other, doing absolutely nothing.

Gabrielle cracked an eye open, wondering if anyone had noticed she wasn't doing any work on the wall yet. She yelped when she noticed Eli.

"Shit! What are you doing here? When did you get here?"

Eli opened his eyes and smiled. "I've been here for forty-five minutes. How come you didn't notice?"

"I was doing nothing."

Eli wasn't surprised. "That's fantastic!" he said enthusiastically. "I've been doing nothing since I got here."

"We're very good at doing nothing," Gabrielle said, scratching her head.

"I don't know, do you think we should help them build that wall?"

"Walls are bad for everyone Eli. Surely you know this? Walls keep things in, and keep other things out. Totally bad for our karma. Not to mention the grass the wall will kill when it covers it."

"I know. It's just, they all seem to think it's a good idea. That's why Hercules messaged me."

"He messaged you?" Gabrielle asked, handing Eli a fresh loaf of henbane laced nutbread.

Taking the loaf from her hand, he nodded his head. "Yes."

"I didn't even know he knew you."

"I didn't either, but apparently he does!"

"You want to go into the forest and hug a tree?"

Eli thought about it for a moment, before answering. "Fine, but only if we're back here in time for lunch. I hate missing lunch."

"Okay."

Eli and Gabrielle clasped hands and skipped into the forest.

 

*************************

 

Iphicles decided if he had to work on the wall, he would work with Xena. He dragged Nebula to a tree twenty feet away, next to Iolaus' work station, and left her there. He walked back to Xena. The woman was sweating profusely. It was so sexy!

"Want me to take off that chainmail for you?" he asked her. "I know it must be incredibly heavy on such a scorcher of a day."

"Yeah, that would be great."

Iphicles' fingers tugged at the leather tie that held her chainmail to her body. He gently unraveled it, and pulled the chainmail off of her lithe form. _Oh gods, mother's looking at me, she's going to kill me. Must not touch wanton strumpet!_ Iphicles held the chainmail to him a moment before hanging it off of a branch.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

"Do you give massages?"

"What? You want a massage?"

"Yeah."

"Xena, I can't. Both our mothers' are watching and I don't know about you, but my ears are fucking killing me!"

Xena nodded her head sadly. "Yes, mine are too. You're right. Maybe some other time then."

"Count on it!"

 

****************************

 

Hercules handed a rock to Iolaus. It was ten times bigger then the hunter's body weight, but the man somehow managed to place it on top of another rock.

"I tell you, Iolaus. It's been nice meeting up with everyone again. But something's just not right."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know."

"Where's Morrigan?" Iolaus asked suddenly, wondering where the woman went.

"I'm not sure. I'll try to find her. Hopefully I'll find her before lunch."

Iolaus watched Hercules run to the castle. _Godsdamn, anything to get out of building the wall, huh?_

The guards were no use to Hercules. They didn't feel like talking, and merely shrugged their shoulders and said, "What?" whenever questioned. He finally found Morrigan sitting in the tub by herself.

"Can I join you?" he asked, his attitude always on PLAYER.

"Nah, I don't think so. I'm kind of basy teakin a bath."

"Aren't you going to help me build the wall?"

"You're a demi-god, ya 'ave the strength of tan martals. Can't ya build a fraygan wall on your own?"

"Oh, I get it. This is about us going separate ways, isn't it? I said no to your marriage proposal and now you're the spurned lover, who takes a bath while everyone else gets slow baked in the sun?"

"That's th' most ya 'ave ever said ta me in our entire rela ... " it took Morrigan a few seconds before she could finish the word, " ... tionship."

"So, can I take a bath with you?" he asked, always hopeful.

She glared at him. "No."

Hercules gave up. "Fine. I'm going back to the wall."

True to his word, he went back to his mother's beloved wall. He hated the wall. Hated it like he hated Hera, only more. Hera at least was bearable, but the wall was a force in its own right. A force which dominated his visits to his mother's house. How many walls had the woman knowingly knocked down, just to get him to come home again? How many times would he stand half-naked in the sun, sweat pouring down him, as he smacked some more pasty stuff on the rocks? _Never again,_ he vowed. _Never again will I make another wall. This will be the most durable wall ever. It won't break, it won't be knocked down with mortal force. It will be the great wall. Indestructible._ He glared at the rock littered yard. _At least, it damn well better be or I won't be coming home for Solstice._

Iolaus was now passed out next to Nebula, who had thrown an apple at his head. She didn't know she had been moved and thought she was hitting Xena. She was curled up with Curly under the shade of the tree, and was now sleeping peacefully.

Gabrielle and Eli were nowhere to be found. Not that anyone was looking.

Xena, Jason and Iphicles, Hercules realized, were in a tree taking tokes off of an opium pipe. _Figures that their side of the wall has the most done on it._

Cyrene and Alcmene were sipping on some lemonade, and discussing Corinthian fashion. Alcmene noticed some of her helpers' weren't there or were off doing other things, she was just having too much of a good time with Cyrene to bother yelling at anyone. Pinching their ears was always an option for later.

Hercules stood at the base of the tree Xena, Iphicles and Jason were in. "Guys, can I come up?"

"No," Jason said, throwing what was either an acorn, or a dried out present from a squirrel, at him.

"Please?"

"Hercules," Iphicles took a toke, inhaling the mind altering substance, "you are much too good of a person to sit in a tree with three of your closest friends and do drugs."

"But I want to!" Hercules whined.

"Get lost!" Jason said. Having already taken his toke, he handed the pipe back to Xena. "That's some good stuff, warrior princess."

Xena yawned. "I know."

 

*************************

 

Eli clutched a fistful of Gabrielle's red-gold-dorito colored hair. He lifted her eye-lid with a finger to see if she was just faking it. She had taken hugging a tree to a new level. Eli was the only witness to Gabrielle's rampage of revenge against a poor, innocent poplar tree.

Not heeding his cries Gabrielle had taken a rock to the bark of the tree, and began to beat on it. "NO!" he had cried, "Don't do it, Gabrielle! Violence is not the way!" She heard his plea, yet continued to beat on the tree anyway.

"It's a compulsion," she exclaimed, as she rammed the rock against the tree. "I can't help it! I must hurt this tree for even existing!"

Eli paused for a moment, as the words sunk in. "Isn't that what you hang around Xena for?"

With those words the bard had dropped the rock. "Eli, you're right. What have I been doing to these trees all this time?"

But it had been too late. A small bird had fallen out of the tree, dead. It fell dramatically, landing on the forest floor with a small thud, making a bunch of dead leaves fly up into the air and then fall back to the ground beside it.

Gabrielle covered her mouth in shock, then fell to the ground to lay in the exact position the bird was laying in. Her eyes were closed now, Eli noted, but she hadn't fainted.

The bird's wing shook violently.

"Gabrielle," Eli said softly. "Gabrielle, you didn't kill the bird. It's not dead. You can stop pretending to care now."

She opened an eye. "What? What do you mean it's not dead? I hit that tree hard!"

"And the tree is thoroughly hurt, I assure you. But the bird ... well, it's not dead."

Gabrielle sat up and looked at the bird. It wasn't dead. _It's moving. What the Hades is its problem?_ It dawned on her why it wasn't dead a moment later. "Eli." She tugged on his sleeve to get his attention. "Eli, that bird ... it's stoned!"

"No way!"

"Yes, and you know what else? It has a way, too! It's the way of the bird. Its mission in life is to be peaceful and loving to all the other birds."

"How did it get stoned?" Eli asked.

"It must've delved into our nutbread crumbs."

"As weird as that sounds, it makes sense!"

The bird tried to fly, but was unsuccessful. _Damn humans and their damn drugged bread,_ the bird thought to itself. _Makes me wish I hadn't been so damn lazy. I could've hunted down a nice, plump worm, but oh no!! I just had to go and eat that delightfully tasty treat. I should've known something was wrong with them when they kept hugging that damn tree._

"Bowl head," Eli said.

"What?" Gab asked, looking up.

"I said, bowl head. I was calling you that, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be like that."

"Why would you call me that?"

"The haircut."

"Okay, if I tell you something do you promise not to tell any other devis?" Gabrielle asked him in a whisper.

"Sure."

"Xena cut my hair with her chakram, and then she stuck a bowl on my head and cut the rest off. I tried to fight her, but she's so strong."

"Gabrielle, you really should tell the truth."

"What? Hey, you try telling everyone that you stuck your head in a bee hive trying to get another lick of honey!"

Eli snickered, then made himself levitate in the air. "That's what you get for being gluttonous."

"Hey, I was hungry for something sweet. I just wish it hadn't gone all in my hair. I got stung a lot, too."

"That's what ... " Eli trailed off as he fell into a light slumber in the air. Gabrielle threw a rock at him, nailing him on the chest and waking him up. He continued " ... For beating up trees. Hug, Gabrielle. Hug the tree, don't attack it. Also, you realize sticking your head in a lived in bee hive is pretty friggen stupid."

Gabrielle chose to ignore that remark. "I'm still kind of pissed you won't teach me how to levitate."

"Bite me."

 

*************************

 

Jason slurped loudly from his wine gourd.

"Aren't you supposed to sip wine politely, and not slurp?" Iphicles asked.

"I'm an alcoholic, Iphicles. We have no shame," Jason told the King. "And stop talking to me like that. If it wasn't for me, and for Hercules refusing to be, you wouldn't be King!"

"I hate when you tell me that story. Stop!"

Jason laughed. "I can't help it, Iphicles. You got dealt a crappy hand in the poker game of life. You may be a King, but you've got a younger brother who's the son of Zeus, and a mother who needs to be committed."

"You married her," Iphicles retorted.

"Not by choice," Jason slurred. "Oh wait, I guess it was by choice. This tree branch is looking pretty damn attractive to me at the moment."

"That's my arm," Xena said. She tried to yank her arm from his touch, but she just didn't have the energy.

"Oops. It's attractive."

"Stop touching it, you lush."

"Stoner."

"You're both one to talk," Iphicles butted in. "If last night was anything to judge by, we're all alcoholic junkies!"

"Speak for yourself!" Xena shouted. She looked away from both men as she gulped from the wine gourd.

Cyrene stood at the base of the tree. "You all should come down here now, and get cracking on that wall."

"But mom!" Xena whined, "We're comfortable up here. It's nice and shady."

"You're drunk!" Cyrene almost couldn't believe it.

"Just a little." Xena belched.

Iphicles stared at her passionately. "I find belching so attractive in a woman. Want to go to the theater with me this weekend?"

"Maybe," Xena answered him, considering it.

"Come down out of that tree now!" Alcmene hollered from her seat across the yard.

"Ugh. Now we're really not coming down," Jason said, covering his ears. "All this yelling is getting on our nerves!"

"That's it," Cyrene said, her hand delving into her purse. "I really didn't want to resort to this, but if I must, I must." Brandishing her ax, she began chopping at the tree.

"Mom! We'll come down, don't kill the tree on our account! I wouldn't want you to have another episode," Xena said, while expertly flipping from the tree to land on the ground beside her mother. Jason and Iphicles began to climb down the tree.

"I thought we agreed," Cyrene narrowed her eyes, "that we would never discuss those episodes again. I was just a little stressed, Xena."

"Yeah, I got stressed a few times in my life, too," Xena said plucking a leaf out of her hair. "I call those times my warlord years."

 

**************************

 

Sensual Shelly stood in front of Alcmene, waiting for the woman to say something.

"I said," she giggled, "I'm here to help build the wall."

Alcmene continued to stare at her. "How did you know my son was building a wall?"

"Um." She giggled again. "He was at the strip-tavern yesterday, and he um, told me to come and help him. I said okay."

"A strip-tavern? My Hercules wouldn't be at a strip-tavern."

"He was last night," Shelly said, twirling her hair.

"But he was saving a village last night." Alcmene was desperately trying to avoid the fact that her son had lied to her. "He couldn't have possibly been there."

"He was. He gave me a ten dinar tip when I swallowed a kielbasa."

Alcmene pinched Shelly's ear. It was just out of moral obligation, really. "Don't use that kind of language young lady. And find another line of work. Now get the hell out of my yard."

"But--"

"No butts, get out!" Alcmene said. "Before I get Cyrene over here with her ax."

Shelly spared a glance at the woman that had to be Cyrene, because she was attempting to chop down a tree. "Okay, I'll leave ... sheesh! I don't like him that much."

Jason waved to Shelly as she left the yard. "See you around Shelly!"

She risked a wave to him. "See ya, Jason!"

"Jason, there's a giant rock over there that has your name on it. Go and pick it up please," Alcmene said in a pleasant tone of voice.

"I'll do that, Hon," Jason said, not bothering to argue. Though he stumbled a bit on the way to the rock, he regained his balance in time to pass out on it.

Xena chortled, then abruptly looked anywhere that wasn't in Alcmene's line of vision. She didn't need any more abuse of any kind whatsoever.

Iolaus woke-up in time to see what was going on. He started building the wall again. "What do you even need this wall for?" he dared to ask Alcmene.

"For all the thugs, raiders and deviant people that are always trying to get into my house."

"Alcmene, I haven't seen anyone around here today except for us."

"I never said it was a daily thing."

As the words came tumbling out of Alcmene's mouth, a band of thugs came running into the yard. Some of them had to jump over the rocks that littered the yard, but none of them were winded yet. The thugs weren't in the same class as the guards or soldiers that manned Iphicles' castle; these were real thugs with a capital T.

Everyone began fighting at once.

Eli and Gabrielle strolled into the yard from the forest. Seeing a fight in progress they both immediately sat down and began to do nothing. No need to dirty their hands when they were on the way of love.

Xena punched out a thug who had tried to sneak up behind her.

"Oh yeah, Xena. Hit him like that!" Ares yelled as he materialized into the space that used to be air, beside her.

Xena spared him a glance as she threw a dagger at another thug, nailing him in the shoulder.

"Oooh, that was perfect," The God of War crooned. He loved watched Xena fight, it invigorated him in ways that he never thought he could be. _Mmnn, I love the way she kicks. So much force ... mnn, that's right Xena, crack his head! Grab your sword, grab a reed and make a slurpee out of that guy!_

"Violence is bad!" Eli yelped as a thug flew above his head, and landed in a pile of horse manure. "That smell is bad."

Hercules threw another thug in the opposite direction of his mother. "Stay." He kicked another. "Out." Another flew by Gabrielle's head. "Of. My. Mom's. Yard."

When the fight was over there were three unconscious men laying on slabs of rock, one of them being Jason, the other two were just thugs.

"Xena, I'm here for lunch," Ares said smiling devilishly.

"Ares. Ares. Why does that name sound familiar?" Cyrene wondered, pacing back and forth while swinging her ax in circles around her.

"I might've made your daughter crazy a few years ago."

"Oh yeah. Just wondering. You're not her father are you?" Cyrene asked, squinting up at the God of War. "I don't think you look like her or anything, it's just ... those kind of situations are so hard to remember. Do you even know who your father was, Xena?"

"Atrius, Mom."

"I think it was this blond guy I met while trying to be a dancer in Thebes. Yeah, his name was Opius. He snorted pure Olympian blow while drinking a barrel of mead. It was amazing. I've never met anyone with such tolerance. Besides you, honey," Cyrene said, patting Xena on the shoulder with affection.

Ares glowered at them. He hated being ignored. "Xena, I chose today to have our lunch for a reason." He snapped his fingers and a dog appeared in his arms. It was buff in color, with chocolate brown eyes; a long ear hung over each side of the dog's head. It licked Ares lightly on the face before looking at its surroundings. Whether it was really bored, or really excited, no one could tell.

Placing the dog in her arms, he kissed her on the cheek lightly and said, "Happy birthday."

That drew a blank stare from Cyrene. "It's her birthday? How come I didn't know that?"

Xena looked at the dog. She studied it. She did not want it! "Thanks but no thanks! I couldn't keep a kid, you think I want a dog?" _Uh-oh._ "You didn't hear that mom."

"You had a kid? I was a grandma and you never told me?!" Cyrene's face turned five different shades of color before staying on a nice shade of blue.

"He's dead. It's a long painful story, but you can pretend you didn't hear it from me, and ask Gabrielle about it later. I'm sure she'd love to tell you how it happened," Xena informed her. She ran her hand along the dog's coat, feeling how soft it felt. "I can't keep this dog," she told Ares.

"Sure you can. C'mon, let's go eat lunch." Ares held her hand, shot a new version of his glare at Hercules, and then together they disappeared.

Hercules threw an apple at where they had been standing. "It's Xena's birthday?" he asked Cyrene.

"Yeah, surprised the Tartarus out of me, too!"

"Lunch break!" Nebula exclaimed while running to the castle, Iolaus following behind her.

Alcmene sighed and gave into the inevitable. Lunch was bound to happen one way or another, and it wasn't as if any of them had even accomplished anything since morning. Xena, Jason and Iphicles had done the most on the wall so far. Their side of the wall was six rocks long and three rocks high. All of her other helpers' assigned stations were lacking, and the work done on them inefficient. She would have to have a talk with them when they came back from lunch. Especially with Gabrielle, that Eli fellow, and Morrigan. She couldn't even find Morrigan, and Eli and Gabrielle were just sitting there, like they had been all morning. _Lousy good for nothing freaks are doing nothing. Except for that Morrigan girl, she's probably killing one of the servants and stuffing them in the feed bin the pigs eat out of. I wouldn't put anything past that strange girl._

 

****************************

 

Xena took in the sights around her. As romantic as a potato sack, the God of War had set up a birthday picnic on the same cliff she had almost thrown herself off of two years ago. As soon as she had defeated him, she knew that she wasn't his daughter. Not because it would have been majorly gross considering their relationship, but because she had Aphrodite, Artemis and Zeus himself perform a paternity test to make sure he wasn't.

_Not the father. Not the father. Eeew, like that would've been totally gnarly. I'm like, totally glad that my bro Ar, isn't like, your dad._

She sat down on the blanket that he had spread out on the ground, and set the dog down beside her. "So, what's with the dog?"

"Her name is Torrence. I just call her Tory."

"Okay, so you named her after The Battle of Torrence. _My_ battle. Why? And why did you give her to me?"

"The Battle of Torrence was one of your most awesome battles. Even you have to admit that."

Xena nodded her head in agreement. It had been a day full of violence and killing; she had gone back to camp with gore in her hair, something she always hated. The Battle of Torrence was something she would rather forget, but it was a reminder of just how good she had been as a military leader. Even if she had been just a warrior, and not a General.

"So, why the dog?"

"As I was saying," he said as he poured her a cup of wine, "Tory is a dog that Zeus bought for me. He got her while he was in Britannia. Apparently she's a Britannic Cockerspaniel." He handed her the cup of wine, watching with anticipation as she brought the cup to her lips.

"Did you poison this? You're not pulling a Gabrielle-Hope thing on me, are you?"

"No."

She sniffed at the wine. Not smelling anything foul she took a sip, surprised at how good it tasted.

"Anyway, Zeus bought her for me. He told me that I had to learn responsibility, and needed to learn to love something. He also told me that I had to give her away after we had bonded, so that I could feel the pain mortals feel when they lose something." Angry now, Ares stared at the sky while waving a fist at Zeus' name. " **I'VE LOST WARS! I KNOW WHAT LOSING FEELS LIKE!** " He shot a ball of fire at a small, beautiful butterfly, obliterating it completely. After calming down a bit, he continued. "I want to share Tory with you. You're the only person I trust with her completely. Will you take her, Xena?"

Both Ares and Tory looked at her with puppy dog eyes. "I guess so."

Xena wondered what she should do now. "How old is Tory?"

Ares shrugged. "She's about a thousand."

"A thousand years old? This dog is a thousand years old?"

"She's an immortal, Xena. And I hated the little bugger at first. Look, she's almost white. Might I remind you all of my wardrobe, all of my carpeting and blankets, are all black! Hair everywhere! It took me twenty years before I forgave her for peeing on my throne in the Halls of War. Thirty more before I forgave her for biting a hole in a very indelicate part of my favorite leather pants!"

Xena tried to stifle a laugh, but found that she couldn't.

Ares smiled, a genuine smile at the sound of her laughter. He liked it. _I wish I could listen to that all day. What am I talking about? When I'm not near her I'm watching her on my GodTV. I know she'll treat Tory well._

"What did you bring us for lunch? You are going to eat, aren't you? I know you're not mortal, but it won't kill you."

"I brought your favorite."

Xena opened the picnic basket, and saw that Ares had indeed brought her favorite. Mashed potatos and a nice steak. _Mmnnn, I haven't seen something so mouth watering since the last time I looked at Ares. Stop reading my mind, Ares. Stop it. No, seriously, stop it. No birthday kiss later, if you keep it up._

"Thank you. This is really nice of you. Are you sick or something?"

"No, I just..." Ares was interrupted as a flash of light, and then an angry goddess appeared.

Discord stood on their blanket seating. "What do you think you're doing consorting with this two dinar ho?"

"Don't go there Discord," Xena warned.

Tory, who had been sprawled out on the blanket, out to the world just a moment before, sprang into action. Barking in a tone a lot deeper than what Xena had thought possible, the dog circled around Discord and bit at her leather boots.

"Oh yeah," Ares said, "I also trained Tory to bite Discord's clothes whenever she comes around to bother me."

"Stupid animal!" Discord said, disappearing.

Ares sighed. "Well, I should go." He leaned in to kiss her lightly. Xena surprised herself by allowing him to.

"Thank you. I mean that," she said.

"No hard feelings about Gab taking the plunge for you?"

"None whatsoever."

"Not upset with that whole Hope thing?"

"It wasn't my kid you were boinking."

"Spend tonight with me?" he pleaded, hoping she'd just go with the flow of whatever chill pill she was on.

"I'll consider it."

"Good enough for me. See you around midnight!" He stood up, and pointed at her. "Enjoy the steak, and take good care of that dog." Wiping at what looked to be a tear in his eye, he growled out, "Damn flying dust particles!" before disappearing.

Xena ate her steak, and drank her wine; sharing both with her new immortal dog. _At least you can't die. I don't have to worry about any of my enemies killing you and such._

Staring into Tory's eyes, Xena said, "Since you can't die, you must promise not to do what everyone else in my life does to me. So, come on, put your paw up."

To Xena's surprise the dog lifted a paw. Xena had to swear the dog in, with a speech she wished she had given Gabrielle when they first met. "I, Torrence, solemnly swear, that I will never betray Xena like she's been betrayed so many times before."

Tory growled.

Xena blinked. "You won't right?"

Tory growled again.

"Oh, come on! Just promise!"

Tory barked and licked Xena's hand.

"That's a good girl, Tory. I'm really glad you made the decision to agree with me. I didn't want to make another trip to the Centaur village."

Finished now with her birthday lunch, she called out Ares' name, to hitch a ride back to Alcmene's. _Stupid wall. Stupid, stupid, stupid wall. She wants a wall, she should make it herself._

 

**************************

 

Callisto was perched on a rock when Satan approached her. With goat-like features, he did nothing for her in the fear department. Tormenting thoughts and delusions of Xena were something she was used to living with; his new Xena tortures were old news to her. _Boring!_

With a brow highly arched, yet again reminding her of Xena, she snarled, "What do you want?"

Satan thought about looking offended at her tone of voice, and realized it would have no effect on Callisto. _How many times have I made her have hallucinations of Xena locking lips with Gabrielle down here, making her insanely jealous, and yet it still has no effect?! I hate that I can't find a suitable torture. Maybe I should stick her in a cavern with those little Hansonius boys. That might do her in. Nah._

"I have a mission for you," he replied in his best, **I-AM-THE-RULER-OF-HELL** voice.

"What kind of mission?" she asked idly.

"Hercules and all of his little pals, including your beloved Xena, are building his mother a wall."

"And?"

"And I want you to ruin it. I have waited long enough for my love, and I won't wait any longer."

"What?" Callisto asked, completely confused.

"Alcmene."

"You're in love with Hercules' mother?"

"I have been for years. Damn that Zeus for meeting her before me!" Satan huffed. "I offer you a chance of revenge against Xena, but you must succeed in getting Alcmene to agree to a date with me, or at the very least get her to do something that will send her to my realm."

"What's the catch?"

"You can't eat anything."

"Nothing? Not even a small slice of Roman pizza?"

"Nothing." Satan's eyes glowed bright red. "So, is it a deal? Are you going to go to Alcmene's house, and try to get me a date?"

"I'll try. We have a history though. It might be hard. Especially with that not eating anything."

"Especially Xena," Satan said, his glowing eyes looking anywhere but at Callisto.

"What?"

He looked completely innocent. "Oh nothing."

"Yeah, I want out of here. Let me out."

He handed her a small card. "Go on, get out."

"Did you fart?" Callisto asked, sniffing the air.

"Well, I did eat some baked beans and a few kind souls for lunch. Excuse me."

Callisto waved at the air in front of her face. "You should turn that into one of your torture techniques, I'm sure it will work wonders."

Satan smiled, his goat-like features twisted into something even more grotesque. "Thanks for the tip!"

Callisto was instantly transported to Alcmene's yard. With a yawn, she trudged the few feet it would take her to reach Alcmene.

"Hi, Alcmene, you might not remember me, but--"

Alcmene interrupted her. "Aren't you the girl who poisoned us all with that xanthalian phenem crap?"

Callisto rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on! Wasn't it only the best punch you have ever tasted?"

Alcmene clucked her tongue. "It wasn't bad. But it was on my Hercules' birthday. Not very nice of you."

"What about you? You bought him another pair of those leather pants. Get some fashion sense!"

"Oh, like that's an outfit."

Callisto ingnored the remark and set to work. "How are you doing in the romance department? Need a date?"

"No, I have Jason."

"Well I know a ... um ... thing, that really has the hots for you. I just know he'd love to date you."

"No, Jason is good enough for me."

"Okay, well in that case you wouldn't want to like, go on a tour with me massacre a few thousand people, would you?"

"Tempting as it is, I must supervise the building of my enormous wall here."

"Oh, come on. How about just killing Xena? Don't you want to do that?"

"Even more tempting, but I'm afraid I can't. Xena's a very good wall builder." Alcmene snorted, hating to have to compliment Xena in any way.

"Yes, Hercules told me she built a lot of walls with him, if you know what I mean," Callisto whispered in Alcmene's ear.

"I knew she was a harlot."

Cyrene happened to see that Callisto was there. Advancing toward her, she said, "You're that little Cirrian chick that tried to burn me alive!"

"Your daughter killed my family first. I was just trying to return the favor," Callisto snarled.

Xena appeared out of thin air, standing on the highest rock there was on the wall; her new small dog sat obediently behind her.

Callisto clapped her hands together and giggled insanely. "Ooh Xena, is that what Gabrielle looks like now? Boy she hasn't changed much."

Gabrielle, previously doing nothing, opened her eyes at that remark. "Did you bleach your hair again, Callisto? You're looking a little frizzy." She shrugged her shoulders, grunting with the enormous effort it took. "Maybe it's just the humidity."

Xena snorted. "I thought you were in oblivion? Where did you go when I stabbed you?"

"I went to this place called Hell. It's just like Tartarus. I think they just copied it or something. It was so boring. Anyway, I got a 'Get out of Hell Free,' card, good for one use to get out of Hell. Kind of neat, huh?"

"So, you used your 'Get Out Of Hell' card to help Hercules build his wall?"

"Actually, I used it to do this ... " Callisto moved near the wall. It started trembling, before breaking apart completely. Xena flipped off of it, to land safely on the ground; the small dog behind her did the same. The individual rocks began to levitate in the air, before flying straight at Callisto, landing on top of her. She pushed the rocks off of her with a small laugh. Brushing dust off of her leather top, she said, "See? Job well done! Every time you sheep attempt to build that wall I will stand near it and it will fall on top of me. Law of averages."

"Gods, she's ruining everything! That side of the wall had the most built on it! Now it's all gone!" Alcmene sobbed. She ran to Callisto's side and attempted to grab hold of an ear. Unfortunately, Callisto had some sort of shield up around her. _I'll get that ear yet, if it's the last thing I do._

"Happy Birthday, Xena!" Callisto screeched, running at Xena with her sword.

"Hey! Come on! I just want to build the wall!" Xena said, drawing her sword deftly. "Thanks for remembering my birthday though. You're swell."

Callisto blew a kiss at Xena, before thrusting her sword down at her head.

Xena blocked the blow easily. "You're getting rusty and you smell positively putrid. Did you take a bath in rotting flesh? Or did you change your perfume to Le Stench of Death?"

"If I wasn't a raving psycho I'd almost resent that, Xena," Callisto replied, while kicking her in the stomach.

"Oof." Xena's eyes widened with fear as Callisto suddenly turned and thrust her sword downward into Tory, who had been biting at her boots.

"That'll do," Callisto said, placing her sword back in its sheath.

"Noo!" Xena yelled, falling to her feet near the dog.

Gabrielle sighed. _This looks eerily familiar in a way. Didn't Perdicus die like that? Hey, I should look at Xena like I'm really guilty and could've done something. Serves her right._

To everyone's amazement, even Xena, who knew Tory was an immortal, the dog stood up, and continued to bite at Callisto's boots.

"An immortal dog, Xena?" Callisto arched a brow, then booked it toward Gabrielle, she drew her sword on the way, but didn't expect the puff of pure Olympian blow the bard blew in her face when she got there.

Callisto sobered up immediately; the blow having the opposite effect it normally had. Where it would make a normally sane person go nuts for a little while, it made the insane normal for a while.

Callisto sat down on the ground beside Eli and Gabrielle. Pulling at her hair with her fingers, she whined, "My life sucks!"

Gabrielle, always peaceful at heart, handed Callisto a chunk of nutbread. "Want to do nothing with me and Eli while everyone else builds that stupid wall?"

The psychotic blonde snatched the offered piece of bread and thew it back at Gabrielle. "I can't eat anything, and you suck Xena!"

"I've heard that before," Xena said, smoothing down guacamole paste on the same rock she had that morning.

Hercules snickered. "It's written on Tavern walls from here to the Aegean. Why do you think I had her ... " He cleared his throat. "I mean ... um, mother, when's dinner?"

Xena put down her guacamole smoother and tackled Hercules.

Alcmene and Cyrene got in the middle of their fight and started pinching some ears; it didn't worked. Xena still had Hercules in a head lock five minutes later, refusing to let him go until he apologized for speaking so poorly of her.

"Hold him in that headlock, Hon! I'll go grab my ax!" Cyrene grabbed her purse off of Alcmene's patio set, and held out her ax. "Tell me when, Xena, and I'll chop anything off of him you want!"

Xena thought about what Hercules would miss the most. "Aim the ax between his legs, mother."

Hercules looked at Cyrene and tried to decipher if she would do it or not; he realized that Xena's mother meant business. "Okay, I'm sorry! Just don't cut it off!" he squealed.

Cyrene smiled, and pinched his cheek. "I wouldn't do that to you sweetie. If I was going to off you, I would've done it nice and swift. You don't kill a few people and not learn these things."

"All right everyone, the show is over. Get back to working on the wall. Especially you, Iolaus. Swab those rocks, cabin boy," Alcmene said.

 

*************************

 

Salmoneus' cart rumbled slightly as he pushed it up the path to the King's Castle. He knew he would get a lot of money off of this little mission of his. Xena, Gabrielle, Hercules and Iolaus, all in the same place. It was his money making wet dream!

He bypassed the guards, recognizing them for what the were--decoration. He didn't bother with knocking on the door; he went straight into the living room and set up camp. It was like his own little store in the middle of the King's house. It was great.

The exhausted group came through the door like Minotaurs: grumbling, dirty, angry, and tired. No one was in the mood for a sales session from Salmoneus, not after having built half of the wall. Something that was expected to take two to three weeks, and not a half a day.

Morrigan had already been talking to him for an hour. She was now the proud owner of a salt and pepper shaker set that came in the shape of Cupid's butt. Holding up a pork chop she had cooked herself, she shook some pepper over it. Looking at Xena she asked, "Do ya want me ta shake Cupad's ass for ya?"

"No thanks, I've seen it," Xena replied, clearly not impressed.

Salmoneus held up a dress. "Xena it's so you!"

Xena frowned. The dress was an ugly green color. "I don't think so. Ask Gabrielle, she likes ugly green things. It's why she married Perdicus."

"And that's why she likes Ares," Gabrielle piped up.

"I don't like Ares," Xena said. "I tolerate him. Like I do you."

"Ladies, please," Iphicles said, trying to break some of the ice he felt forming in the room.

"King Iphicles." Salmoneus put his arm around King Iphicles' shoulder. "How would you like to own, 'Some Great Kings Got Their Crown By The Hand Me Down' by some obscure author known as Kimberlian Krycekius?"

"No," Iphicles grumbled.

"What? You're featured in chapter seven!" The well dressed merchant exclaimed.

Iphicles drew his sword and jammed it not-so-softly, into Salmoneus' neck. "I said **NO**. Is that so hard to understand?"

Salmoneus had been held at sword point before. With all the professionalism he could muster, he said, "Absolutely. No. I've got you. You are not interested in the book." Clearing his throat, he added, "I completely understand and will not bug you any longer." When the sword point didn't move, he used his old tactics. "Uh ... Xeee-nah."

"Iphicles let him go, huh? Let's go take a bath," Xena said.

"Oooh can I go?" Salmoneus asked, risking everything since the sword had not moved from his throat.

"No," Xena said.

Iphicles weighed his choices. _Hmm, killing an annoying little salesman ... a second bath with the warrior princess. Yeah, as if this is a decision!_

"I'll get the drugs. You just show up."

"In that case," Jason said, stretching his arms, "I'll be joining you. I don't know about the rest of you, but my friggen back is killing me!"

"I'll take a bath," Gabrielle said, grabbing Eli by the hand. "Eli will, too."

"Me too. I stink." Callisto sniffed delicately at her armpits.

"I'll take one when all you weirdos are done," Nebula said.

"Yeah, I'm just going to go take a dip in the river," Hercules informed them.

Iphicles finally removed his sword from Salmoneus' neck. "You're lucky little man, I chose today to be a lenient ruler."

Salmoneus touched his throat where the sword had rested; his hand came away with a droplet of blood. "Yeah, I'm lucky!"

Xena, Callisto, Jason, Iphicles, Gabrielle and Eli all left the living room for their bath, leaving Salmoneus with only a small consumer market. _So not fair!_ He had spotted something that he was sure to make some money with though. They all had red ears; it could only mean one thing--there was an ear pincher in this household!

Salmoneus made eye-contact with Alcmene. "Did you ever feel as though you couldn't get a good enough grip on something? Like something made your grip slip, even though you just wanted to grip harder?" He had Nebula, Morrigan and Alcmene all in awe with the sound of his voice.

 _Yeah,_ Nebula thought. _I never can get a good enough grip._

 _Sometimes whan I go pig chasin' th' wee lattle things squirm out of my hay-nds like I was made out of grayse,_ Morrigan thought.

 _Ears, those damn ears! I can never get a strong hold on 'em!_ Alcmene fumed.

"I'm offering this rare cave dust for only five dinars ladies. It's guaranteed to make your grip stronger on those sweaty days."

Salmoneus smiled. _Oh yeah, I have them. Dinars, come to poppa._

 

**************************

 

The bath had gone a lot quicker than the last one. Xena, Iphicles and Jason got drunk rather quickly. Though they had never sobered up from their first bout of Opium and Wine.

Gabrielle and Eli, who both stated they wanted a bath, sat in the tub and did absolutely nothing. _Yeah, that's a bath._ Callisto thought. She had taken the time in the tub to scrub every inch of Hell smell off of her body and from her hair.

Xena was still sitting in the tub, pruning, as everyone else got out. "Where are you all going? This is Elysia!" Not realizing it, Xena yelled, "Where's Lao Ma when ya need her?"

That infuriated Gabrielle, who yelled, "I hate you. And I hate you even more because me hating you requires me to do something, and I hate having to do something!"

Callisto threw a towel at Xena and said, "She's a freak, how do you manage?"

Standing up and drying off Xena said, "Drugs. Lots of drugs." She laughed. "And she gives really great back massages, and well, she brings in a good amount of dinars when it rains."

"You suck." Callisto growled, knowing she couldn't possibly compete with that. Not to mention she still hated, or pretended to hate, Xena for her offing her family and all.

 

****************************

 

Callisto sat across from Alcmene, studying her short nails by the light of the moon. _At least they aren't grungy anymore._ Sitting at Alcmene's patio set and discussing the guy who had a crush on her was not Callisto's idea of a good time. What could she do though? Satan rules all in Hell.

"Look, Alcmene, just give him a chance, I know you'll love him."

"I don't think so."

"You'll like him a little," Callisto reasoned.

"I doubt it."

"You'll like him or you'll die a horrible death!" Callisto screamed at the older woman.

"I will find a way to pinch your ears. Count on it," Alcmene replied, wiping at some nonexistent dirt on the table.

"Maybe he'll be good for you," Cyrene butted in. "And if not, you can always take an ax to him."

Callisto smiled, thrilled with how much she and Cyrene thought alike. "Now see, that's excellent advice! Why can't you be more open to chopping people up, like Cyrene is?"

"Because I'm okay in the head, unlike some people."

Cyrene tried not to be hurt by the comment. Not all people could understand her ax fetish, especially Atrius. _Boy he learned the hard way just why I liked my ax._

"Okay. Let's try this another way." Callisto paused, thinking her next words through. "Say someone had stolen Iphicles away from you. Someone who was now his Queen. Wouldn't you want to do more then pinch her ears?"

"You mean like poison her? Kill her?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I mean."

"I don't think so. I'd just resort to ear pinching and Zeus' Olympian belt."

Callisto sighed in irritation. "Didn't you ever look at a burning village and think, 'Gods, I wish I'd caused that?'"

"No."

So engrossed in their conversation, the three women never noticed The Wall growing bigger in the moonlight.

"Is that big enough?" Ares whispered to Xena.

"No, much bigger. I have to say at this size this wall doesn't impress me much."

Ares made the wall bigger. "How about now?"

"It looks okay, but it's not really satisfying."

Ares made the wall even bigger, and surrounded it with metal plating. "How about now?"

"That's peeerrrrefect," Xena purred.

Callisto, still not aware of the monumental heights of The Wall, continued her discussion with Alcmene.

"Come on, you simply cannot convince me you have never looked at a peasant and wished them away!"

"I haven't. I swear by Zeus." The ground rumbled. "Okay, just that once, but Gods, is it too much of a crime to ask them to dress in something other than hemp or wool? I mean, they're disgusting!" Alcmene said bitterly. "Oh please miss, could you spare me a dinar or two for my starving children? No! _Get a job_!" she continued.

"Whoa," Cyrene said, watching the woman fume about peasants.

"Don't you want to wipe them all out of the city? Or maybe, just go on a date with a guy who looks a lot like a goat?" Callisto asked.

"Stop asking! I said no."

"I still say you could go for the ax technique," Cyrene said, taking a sip of her iced tea. "For the peasants or the date."

Callisto lit a small flame off of the end of her finger, illuminating the yard.

"My wall!" Alcmene yelled. "It's gotten bigger! It's perfect!"

The wall suddenly being done didn't surprise Callisto, nothing did.

A low, drawn out moan filled the air; it sounded like a moan of carnal pleasure. Someone was enjoying something a bit too much.

"You chicken-eating hussy, where are you?" Alcmene asked, jumping out of her chair.

"What are you talking about?" Cyrene questioned.

"You're daughter is around here somewhere eating some chicken with the God of War. I do not want to end up back in the servants closet!"

Another moan followed a few moments later. A manly moan.

Always naive, Alcmene said, "And the God of War is eating chicken, too!" She slapped her forehead in frustration.

Callisto lit her fingertip again, and moved her flame along The Wall. She giggled loudly. "Alcmene, Xena and the God of War are being naughty on your wall!"

Alcmene narrowed her eyes. "Impossible. Even _she's_ not that much of a hussy."

"Look for yourself," Callisto said pointing her flame at the wall.

"Eew!! Eeew! You two indecent things come down from that wall! You two are so going to build this over when you're done! And the belt will be too good of a punishment! Just you wait ... "

"Do you mind?!" Ares said. "This is not a public spectacle."

"Xena, how many times must I tell you not to put out until you get a wedding bracelet, a mansion and a six-horse-gold-plated-chariot?! You're never going to find a husband like that!"

Hercules groggily walked out into the yard. "What's all the fuss about? You all woke me up with your yelling!!" Noticing The Wall was built already, he nearly cried with relief, until of course, Callisto's finger spot light showed him something that didn't belong on The Wall.

"What are you two doing up there?!" Herc asked, already knowing the answer.

Another moan filled the air. "We're just talking," Ares said.

"Yeah, about war, politics and all that stuff," Xena said.

"You are sick, Xena! Sick! I'm so sorry I reformed you!"

"Jealous!" Xena said.

Hercules frowned. _She may be right, but damn it that's my mother's wall!_ Not wanting to see the display, he went back into the house. _Not.Fair.Not.Fair.Not.Fair._

Cyrene began to mutter and swing her ax back in forth in bizarre patterns. Callisto and Alcmene decided to go into the house and continue their discussion; they dragged a very disturbed Cyrene with them.

Xena laughed. "Do you think they're mad?"

"Nah, they're just ... who cares?!" Ares replied.

"Be nice!"

"Never!"

"That's what I like about you."

 

****************************

 

The morning sun was so bright it was blinding. Xena was not happy about waking up to that. _No one likes bright and sunny, except Gabrielle. Hmph, Zeus must be on her side today._ After Ares left last night she had sprawled out on Alcmene's patio chair and fell asleep.

Morrigan cautiously approached the patio set, and sat down beside Xena.

"Yeah?"

"Um, I was wonderin' if maybe ya wanted yer dog back," Morrigan said, placing Tory on the ground beside her.

"Thanks."

"No problam."

"Listen, it's totally uncharacteristic of me to ask you a personal question, but I've felt odd the last few days. So, here I go ... I've been having a really weird dream lately."

"Small leprechaun wit' hair lake the sun that has a halo of yallow around eet? Sappho's pride flag. A Puke gran color. And maybe a pot of gold??"

Xena felt her mouth drop. "How did you know?"

"I saw yer bard frand stoned last night with that fallow Eli. She was drassed in a gran top and a rast colored skart. They ware dancin' with the Sappho's prade flag. They ware in th' hallway! Dinars are all ov' th' floor!"

"I knew it had to be her!"

An hour later, everyone came outside to admire the finished wall. _The wall that Ares and I baptized in a whole new way. There's no way that thing can be taken down._

Nebula whistled at the monstrous sight The Wall made. "It looks like a fortress! The King's Castle doesn't have this kind of defense!"

"No kidding!" Iphicles said, glaring at The Wall.

Iolaus snickered when he looked at Xena. "On a wall?"

Gabrielle threw a scroll she was holding at Iolaus. "Obviously you've never heard about Borias." The bard turned her attention to Xena. "And with Ares? What were you desperate?"

Xena chose to ignore her.

"This wall has to go!" Alcmene screamed.

Cyrene handed her trusty ax to Alcmene. "Go for it."

Alcmene walked to The Wall, and hit it with as much force as she could.

The wall didn't budge.

Xena gathered Tory on her lap, and began to brush her out with Gabrielle's spare comb. _Not that Gab will notice._

"This wall is going! It's done for! I hate it!" Alcmene ranted.

Callisto chose to make this opportunity to work for her. "Alcmene, what do you say? A date with the Big S?"

"NO!"

"Fine. I'm so out of here. Xena, I'll kiss or kill you later. See you around bardic wonder! Hercules, I'll make sure I try to poison your family at least once a year. Nebula, I don't know you, but I'll try to kill you soon. Iolaus, suck it up, and start swabbing. Eli, go do nothing. Cyrene, don't forget to ax someone in my name. Salmoneus, no, I don't want any of what you're selling. See ya." She turned toward Alcmene, and touched the wall lightly.

"Take cover!" Xena yelled, warning them all.

They all huddled underneath the patio table, leaving poor Alcmene to wonder what all the fuss was about.

"You're coming with me, Alcmene!" Callisto screamed.

The Wall, indestructible, or so they all thought, began to tremble slightly. The metal plates started to bend and twist, before popping off of the wall completely and flying in all directions. Rocks that had been stacked with a God's power caved inward, and landed in a huge pile on top of Alcmene and Callisto.

When they thought enough time had passed, they crawled out from underneath the table one by one. Hercules immediately set into hero mode, and picked up rocks and threw them to the other side of the yard. By the time he had found his mother, she was dead. Callisto was nowhere to be found.

"She killed my mother!" he sniffled.

"Excuse me for saying this," Iphicles walked around the crumbled rocks, "but godsdamn I feel great!" He jumped up and down once or twice, before calming down enough to run to his castle.

Xena rubbed her mother's arm affectionately. "See mom, I told you Callisto liked you. That whole, 'She hates me, she wants to burn me alive' thing was so overrated."

"She was kind of nice," Cyrene agreed.

Xena walked to Hercules with Tory still in her arms. Giving his arm a squeeze, she said, "Them thar are the breaks, big guy. Catch you later. Sorry about the wall and your mother. I'm off for home."

"You mean it?!" Cyrene asked.

"Yeah, Gab, go home. I'll see you there in about a month. And for godssakes stop dancing in the middle of the night with the Sappho flag!"

Gabrielle blushed. "I'll get you warrior princess! And your little dog, too!" Grabbing Eli by the arm, together they set off for her home village.

"Nice meeting you, Nebula. From a former pirate to a damn good one!"

"Thanks," Nebula replied with a smile. Despite it all, she had enjoyed this little trip.

"Morrigan, if I'm ever in Eire hide all the valuables and kill the peasants before I get there, because it'll probably be a business trip. I'm out of here." With those words, Xena went to retrieve her horse, with Cyrene following behind her, still gripping her ax with white-knuckled fingers.

Seeing that everyone had left him, Hercules shook a fist, and screamed up at the sky, "I'll get you Hera!"

A peacock feather flew gently in the breeze to land on the ground beside his feet. Lightning flew fast and furious to the ground around him. Two green eyes stared down from the Heavens to look down at him. "Can't blame this one on me," Hera said dramatically, before disappearing from the sky.

"Wait!"

Hercules heard a beep, then someone started to talk. "Hera is not available at this time. If you would like to leave her a message of worship or to tell her who you have killed in her honor, please leave a message. If you want her help for something evil say the special word. If you're Hercules, screw off, it wasn't her fault."

  
  


**The End**


End file.
